.

 

Canon of Classifieds

Author ISO meaning; will travel.

Men Seeking Women

Strapping Lord ISO unattractive, determined woman for governess position and unrequited pining. Must be able to ignore noise from attic and communicate psychically. ROCHESTER 21-2.

Been here before? Me too. Let's recur eternally. FRIEDRICH 74-5.

Me: eggs, eyes, urine, necrophilia. You: eggs, eyes, urine, necrophilia. MARCELLE 03-9.

IT'S A RED LETTER DAY when you and I get it on. Spiritual seeker ISO something on the sly. SALEM 46-4.

BE MY SILVER BULLET. Eastern European widower of means seeks young lady with 13th-century tendencies. "B positive" my motto. It would Mina lot to me. VLAD 91-9.

Women Seeking Men

You: handsome, impetuous, sold me for 5 guineas. Me: need financial security. Also, meet your "daughter." Write Box 34, Casterbridge.

Attractive, smart, genealogically-minded maiden looking for love in high places. Enjoy long walks in the woods after country fairs. TESS 67-9.

Ready for a father's day you won't forget? You know where to find me. ANAIS.

Men Seeking Men

Dublin, June 16 - You: pudgy middle-aged man on Grafton St., hat. Jewish? Hope so. Me: poet, Catholic, but only by birth. Let's reinvent prose. Write STEPHEN c/o this periodical.

Men Seeking Sea Mammals

CHUBBY CHASER! You: big white cetacean. Me: want my leg back. Just wait 'til I find you. AHAB 04-9.

Real Estate

ROOM WANTED by woman writer. Lock required. BLOOMSBURY 12-8.

Goods and Services

LIGHT YOUR HOUSE WITH TYGERS. Cheap, efficient, bright-burning, runs on meat. Symmetric design matches all interiors. Blake Illuminations Ltd. London 1818-934-348.

NEED FLEECE. Will pick up. Gold best. JASON 33-2.

RETURN MY NOSE. Normal-sized. Reward. URGENT. KOVALYOV 19-4.

LICENSED TOURS. 1-day Purgatory special, hop-on-hop-off Hell and Heaven double-deckers. Families, church groups. Page VIRGIL 917-463-3766.

RAVEN, quoths, $10 o/b/o. Great pet. 212-488-9599.

RED WHEELBARROW. $30 firm. Very dependable. Also some chickens. Dr. Williams 201-393-4940.

Employment

PARTNERSHIP? Farm work, odd jobs. You're strong, slow-witted, and love to pet the little mouses. GEORGE 13-3.

SALESMEN WANTED! Huge earning potential. Family man preferred. NY/New England. Commission only, provide own car. Wagner Company 212-590-3393.

CONCH BLOWERS - new reality TV program seeks children 8-13 for island adventure. Piggy 212-330-3039.

SCRIVENER NEEDED. Hard workers only. Apply in person 8-4, 14 Wall St. Would prefer not to receive phone calls.

.  .  .  .  .  

See also: Personal Ads: Flatulent British Gnome, Toothless, Not Seeking Romantic Sunsets


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Ftrain.com is the website of Paul Ford and his pseudonyms. It is showing its age. I'm rewriting the code but it's taking some time.

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About the author: I've been running this website from 1997. For a living I write stories and essays, program computers, edit things, and help people launch online publications. (LinkedIn). I wrote a novel. I was an editor at Harper's Magazine for five years; then I was a Contributing Editor; now I am a free agent. I was also on NPR's All Things Considered for a while. I still write for The Morning News, and some other places.

If you have any questions for me, I am very accessible by email. You can email me at ford@ftrain.com and ask me things and I will try to answer. Especially if you want to clarify something or write something critical. I am glad to clarify things so that you can disagree more effectively.

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Recent

Recent Offsite Work: Code and Prose. As a hobby I write. (January 14)

Rotary Dial. (August 21)

10 Timeframes. (June 20)

Facebook and Instagram: When Your Favorite App Sells Out. (April 10)

Why I Am Leaving the People of the Red Valley. (April 7)

Welcome to the Company. (September 21)

“Facebook and the Epiphanator: An End to Endings?”. Forgot to tell you about this. (July 20)

“The Age of Mechanical Reproduction”. An essay for TheMorningNews.org. (July 11)

Woods+. People call me a lot and say: What is this new thing? You're a nerd. Explain it immediately. (July 10)

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