5 Marketing Catastrophes

By Paul Ford

All absolutely 100% guaranteed true.

Fudge Packers
Even Keebler's spokes-elves couldn't save this fudge cracker. Intended to be "packed" in a briefcase or lunchbox, the first and only TV buy featured boy scouts and businessmen holding up packages to the camera and proclaiming, "I'm a Fudge Packer!" Informed of their mistake, embarassed brand managers immediately pulled the product. (1982)

JFKlue
A "Clue"-derived board game based on the Kennedy Assasination. While the premise was fine ("It was Oswald with a repeat-action bolt rifle in the Book Depository." "No! It was the CIA with Multiple-repeat weapons behind the Green Fence!"), making light of a presidential assasination was not well-received in the marketplace, and the product was quickly dropped by major distributors. (1993)

Glunk!
A rubbery, sculptable gross-out goo marketed to kids. Sales dropped 99.96% after AP News revealed that the product's main ingredient was the surgically-extracted ejaculate of Chinese political prisoners. (1996)

Grape Fantasy Carbonated Beverage
The print campaign for this purple beverage featured 5 handsome, dangerous-looking men, standing over a half-dressed, bound, blindfolded woman. With her free hand, she held a cylindrical can shooting forth frothy soda. The tagline: "All women have Grape Fantasies." Immediately discontinued. (1980)

Hi, Colonic!
Marketers intended to tap the publicity over colonic-advocating celebrities like Princess Diana with this non-prescription home colonic kit. The market was unprepared. The campaign, featuring cartoon spelunkers crawling through an animated colon, wielding mops and buckets, met with derision. After brisk initial sales, Hi, Colonic! bottomed out. (1995)