The Poetry Converter

By Paul Ford

Finally, something that understands poetry

Dear Journal Reader,

This is the poetry converter.

Or actually, it's a Java-based simulation designed to give you a feel or for the real thing. The poetry converter is an innovative device that converts poems into pure mathematics, analyzes them, then performs poetic criticism upon the analysis. The current analysis will be complete in 2012 - make sure to check back!

Hundreds of critics working hundreds of years could not attain these results. But Dr. Otto Welbeschaum, a mathematician with 14 years experience in subtraction, did the impossible--he built a poetic computer that understands the whole of human emotion. It even cries.

This demonstration exists only to inform you that such a marvelous mechanation exists, and to whet your poetic appetite. The real poetry converter is available weeknights in the sub-basement of Cal Thomas Gymnasium at Davenport Technical University in Manhattan. Tours are available by special arrangement with the Davenport College of Special and Unique Sciences. Every Tuesday is "open processor" night--see how your own poems measure up!

If you want to read more about this wonderful machine, and similar technologies, read Dr. Otto Welbeschaum's Poetic Computationalist: A Technological Marvel 1000 Years Advanced Beyond its Time, as Exhibited in the 1901 Exhibit of Technical Mystery. It's published by Harper and Row. A fantastic read. If you'd like to borrow my copy, send me email.