So I need to backfill this website, and I need to start writing here again.
When I'm truly off the rails it's almost impossible to stop the problematic behaviors until I've wrestled my emotions to the ground. I can rationally approach them, but if I'm at a point of despair then it's hard to get me back on the rails.
Most human beings, or many of them, have better regulators than I do, I guess. They seem to be able to see these things coming and brace themselves.
Or maybe, once I've lost another 50 lbs., my screw-ups will be less dramatic. Meaning that fucking up is something you do as a percentage, rather than as a quantity. When you're a 6'3" guy who weighs 250, carrying 50 extra lbs, then a 3 percent fuckup is much less significant (1.5 lbs) than a 370-lb dude carrying 170 extra lbs (5.1 lbs). But it's the same 3 percent.
I'll be just as much a screwup; I'll just be able to screw everything up in a more sensible way. Rather than upend a bag of goldfish cracker's I'll have a handful. It will feel just as desperate (already does) but the consequences are less grave, and it's easier to reset the governors on such quantities. There's less flesh to cope with, fewer pounds to gain before my body says: who there. And less back to stab.
| Food | Qty | Calories |
|---|---|---|
| Cereal, Flaxen, 3/4 c. | 1.3 | 147 |
| Cereal, Kashi, 1 c. | 120 | |
| Milk, no fat, 1 c. | 90 | |
| Total | 357 |
Weight: 296 lbs