Baker's Dozen

Your grandfather's so old he's been on Willard Scott twice.
When he goes to funerals the undertaker asks him to stay.
He's so old he moved his bowels and couldn't find them later.

Your mom's so fat she loses her clothes while she's wearing them.
Your mom's arteries are so hard she gets splinters when she bleeds.
Your mom's so fat she wears a cross-your-knees bra.
Your mom tries to touch her toes but her tits get there first.

You're so poor that you clean your teeth with rental floss.
You're so poor you knit your own toilet paper.
You can't even afford lint.
Your daddy built an addition on your house--he found another cardboard box.

Your girlfriend smells so bad she makes vultures throw up.
Your girlfriend's easier to get into than community college.