May 2015 BY Paul Ford 2015 557 Sections THESE banners? Thanks, they're by Figlet. This is great. so far but all the agua fresca you can drink is this real what if a magazine gave you unlimited paul ford pages is good! omg ⌥_(ツ)_/¯ I DID IT I DID IT ? yeah the medium comments functionality on that post is... My father was born in 1932 and he told me in the late 1980s... I read it Bilderboard magazine i know i know but you don't even need two phones come and use it to teach classes i mean That nail salon article about wage exploitation was amazing... u can quit twitter? zayn YES oh...yes, this is true! yes! tufte does use them a lot. got it. https://open.spotify.com/track/2Pt5DjPrLmq5Sn4ZGFH1ih i guess we could have predicted that the capitalism endgame... there is a whole economy of simulated labor did you really quit the times? now you'll always wonder. it's so much sadder too i'm afraid to look out the window in case nothing is there i mean this is it right this is how it ends i know it seems unlikely, almost shocking, but the same... taxi medallions paid for that nicki minaj bar mitzvah are... I love buses please tax all cars $2000/yr rich what have you done people need to chill out it was just a $30 hot dog yeah i mean this, it is...substantive if terrible where do I begin? no i mean literally i can't select the... john at one pt i went on all 4s and let the children climb up to... or 36,000 pages on my phone i needed 800 pages of pure mindscrubbing in between drafts... people are being fussy about the last third of the book but... OH MY FUCKING GOD what are skids It was the result of a secret government program known only... my children are so ahead of the game wow defense contracting has changed No but the EXECUTIVE crying nooks. Not if they are used to fill the enormous aquariums. i know! it is very confusing. actually it's neither of those things but point taken NICE wow that url obliterated twitter's regexp I do this too! It's the devil's bargain. But it makes me... omg you're totally right i basically just hit undo until i'm back to a blank page... I mean, yes, but also I'd argue it's good to draw a... u shouldn't have to know weird sekrits to use mass... srsly tho that is moonspeak to humans, it says BACKWARDS... Right but then I have to remember how to paste formatted... Yep but paste-at-a-time. you can also boil the pizza in gravy this is real no @rustyk5 shares that opinion I think a lot of news should prob just be delivered in... I heard the crunch this whole conversation was basically me trolling you :thumbsupslownod: I absolutely do. maybe not on a mac :/ maybe we can have them back if we wish hard enough danya why how many times have you erased your account now probably expired "terrible" might be a leeeeetle strong here not me the sequel is called the male glaze it's about donuts When people show affection like this I go, WAIT, DO I HAVE... we could talk about binary packing algorithms and the... i'm a terrible person hahahahahaahhahaahsaiphg'ewpihr'pewihrgp'hewr the desperate need to brag smashes into the charming desire... wow that's so much work though whoa! I did EVERYTHING wrong oh no its worse my primary income is as a freelance writer... oh god yes my computer is 5000 degrees rn holy shit whoa guys we are old men yelling at clouds It's good advice! I just sometimes wish they could acknowledge that they ARE... Right? jesus christ they have a lot of hits BUT they are all Cars... this is great! oh god this is the first of three I can Nazi the resemblance exactly less said about that the better I hope that when it comes to Genesis listening you can... You appear to be living in a “land of confusion” here.... venmo me a dollar and i will give you 20% of my cats'... is "bad" a genre I'm glad I could “Shake it up” for you “Don't go to Pieces,” maybe you need to “Drive” to the... snarklines oh yeah situational composition environments that's the... ephemeralist duh I mean I write software so I can pursue radically... guys i am an excellent poet it's just that my chosen form... jordan flarf is just how poets do twitter bots i love flarf nono i grew up in it and know how weird it seems when... [sliding in helllOOOO] i mean for me it's all about... Imagine all the time you could spend customizing your truck. I would LURVE that But this is soooooooo Internet. Although the scope of focus... which word is it? i mean self-aware networks of intestinal nanobots with... right because their entire room will be smeared with... I will lock them in the bedroom and take away their... manageable wurst draems I'm here for you Greg. isn't that just blogging? no you support my kickstarter do they have it in 2xl all parrots are my friends YES this is how PR people sometimes write what in God's name true! spotistalking. is. not. okay. stop upskirting me charlie GLENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! I think about that conversation... she was a good girl you know who else loved hitler Hah. I'll take the 5% earworm rate! what my god very cool! According to their FAQ, it's just related searches--but I... It's a great way to keep in touch and judge your friends. so all these years I've known you, you're actually a... typical welfare queen maybe there's a union discount if you work it right they just send you stuff patriarchal technocracy has been good to me its fine except for the robot freegan potlucks all my robot ladies come out as intersectional feminists... no is it like all fancy or can he get spicy maki combo I guess... she makes sushi? That would save me like $50/week niiice oh hey jim maybe the 2020s will be the 80s we have been waiting for? I was thinking that the letterset 1890s artisinal thing was... leah I used to write mad men crit for slate I got this you soooo dont have to cool I ACED that thing as a contrib ed its expected right? Saturday mornings are reserved for group 4—did you not get... I mean no one who could say that could be a bad person in... “But for ruminants, you know, the grass is always greener.” I'll do that fair whoa that lizard is wayyyy toooo big leah if you were a nurse would you wear these... cool scrubs https://instagram.com/fortheloveofscrubs/ guys http://scrubsmag.com/ these were pretty nice scrubs tbh, they were clearly... it was like they were on twitter but in real life it's like what we do but these are real people with actual... and she went i'm 32 basically it was cute nurses burning... the lady nurse was making fun of the dude nurse for being a... rubbing it in is just mean leah i know that yall had a very different kind of grandfather than I did sorry if i ruffled your feathers they're in an open relationship and everyone accepts a... don't make this complicated laurie Right maybe we just all need monkeys. she may be a lizard that's good, that's promising that's comforting that's comforting I think @jwherrman should run native ads and I should be in... i will add this to my linkedin he is really cool tho I found out when they asked me to remove my own name on the... harper's made me contrib then removed me but didn't tell me a contributing editor writes periodically, supports his or... DOXX Tim you really are and I just couldn't do it. Sorry to be clear that's not ironic. I allude to type conversion in a forthcoming Businessweek... :cool-kid-thumbs-up-nodding: Gonna write about databases and it's gonna be COOOOOOOOOL. first I saw it, or that title. My god. :thumbsup: so much easier to cut http://giphy.com/gifs/fire-computers-burn-it-down-zcchHpCm44... muting that's terrible i mean *I'M* the bargain bin paul ford they are being goofy your voice is great and hilarious the... look i'm not going to pretend that this is not incredibly... i'm sorry we ruined publishing for you BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no nooooooooooooooooo that can't be real I think they will believe us if we just show up in... Before the flame deluge there were two kinds of... Horst Wessel lied went to #1 leah "Nazi pets in order of guilt" leah do u want a million hits I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. she was only following odors! blondi was blameless the only government acronym that means anything is USA oh hell yes that would be great tbh oh yeah big chunks of failure down the failure drain oh I just bought a copy all that is goooone Leslie Harpold had to be dead for like eight years before... oh fun no, no i consented to syndication. no control over... it's text, works on the web, displays markdown beautifully... oh god laura I swear to god this is real, you should just... this is your solution there's no way to start over we can just go on seriously a mac se with a fucking floppy disk it was easier jesus i thought it was just me Also I need to sit here and make jokes about a major... there are PEOPLE who work there mike They'll let you back in when they hire you. guys I was joking JOKING let me know if I can help omg dooooo it this is such a strong idea lol doesn't tell me which sport has the dumbest fans though I miss documents software is exhausting actually tho calling Saxon from clojure and evalling XPath... guys when I need tree transforming JVM parasite languages I... you guys keep joking but i'm using org-mode with pandoc to... guys it's in org-mode i'll just make a private repo Oh no I do a lot of non-writing work so that I can actually... I love that this is the story as opposed to the decline... Oh wow this is a huge article about WHAT IS CODE so it... one person eating a meal alone in stench car is also a... it's soooo gooood I still want to come us it for classes. Once my book draft... I would never stoop to mere pastiche. Yeah I mean HMMMMMMMM right? I mean it's a folly and it's... ♬She may hide forever in the streams of @twitter / she's... wait what is happening I am afk What was the riddle? yes “I'm just going to the bathroom and I may be some time.” right my god who would have had a color terminal also that “10” just hanging out in there 💅👠🙀💰😢 once again poor people foot the bill maybe leah will have twins at gawker :( :/ I love Quora, it's like the VAX/VMS messageboard in college... I wonder if this screwed up his Uber offer too, but of... I mean, Zenefits dude cares about his company and that... I mean, like, okay, the CEO shouldn't have done an HR thing... I mean at some point don't you get to say “how about... Am I wrong for thinking that reply is completely justified... All it's missing is “ad”s! A better word for podcasting would be brocasting. To be fair, the original meaning of podcast was two white... i didn't mean to slide in there like it was a baby... https://twitter.com/ftrain/status/596080994677092353/photo/1 that video I'm ovulating Really glad about this https://twitter.com/ftrain/status/596009371122966528/photo/1 and then he did a good interview on BuzzFeeD where had to... in conclusion he makes monster movies? and he was like, MASSIVE GLOBAL NUCLEAR EYEROLL and then g a m e r g a t e peeps were like YOU SEE THEY... people yelled at him on the internet about his feminism and... ThinkUp uses PHP tho. lol alana my knowledge is spotty but i would hit up... i mean the way twitter gets you is you think you need it... and more like, GUESS I'LL LIE IN MY BED OF GOLD WITH A... i think it was? but the framing was not OMG I CAN'T HANDLE... ON IT the solo all-hands is the #1 meeting in journalism hahahahah OH GOD i mean i may i've got a book standup going with a mentor. i'm all in... doesn't work for books thanks anil I can count on you oh they get even more insufferable page by page i can see that colouring your perceptions blocked IT DOES NOT BEGW"HJRIP"GHIJPREWRTH can we really afford not to let him try? YES oh duh it was rip this tweet I don't perceive time but instead live in the eternal... I'm printing this out and sending it to your dad. PAPER, ALEX, PAPER or nothing at all more than the Atlantic? it may be my turn my essay on breasts is coming out soon there's one paragraph in there which hooooo doggies i mean... who could hear anything over the sound of burning money Over, say, 50 years. Income equality? Worse. Reproductive... A genuinely useful exercise here that would be amazing is... I called my dad after I moved to NYC and said The world is... Wait, CAN you move back into Zeus's head? just hit me ford@ftrain.com DMs drive me crazy adam? how many freaking pirate hats can they WEAR Can I switch to just Sunday delivery tho. i mean they are so tired of fatties i mean, dude seemed in control of his shit WOW genie i'm free of horizontal lines in macword what is the name of the chart where there are two columns... i can kind of see you going cyc tho, or pinger http://claritaluzian.tumblr.com/post/112166493153/a-tribute-... we've been faking the wrong things what if tumblr was just a vehicle for branded content... if people are optimistic, engaged, learning new skills, and... “Some of the faux companies even hold strikes.” “They also receive virtual salaries to spend within the... oh god oh god oh god http://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/31/busin... No matter what my self-conception, I have a suspicion I'd... http://www.rfwiz.com/Frequencies/Maine/Maine_Cumberland.htm... gqrx lol But don't stop trying! miss u, winter Nicki Minaj Bar Mitzvah works well descriptively, like,... Funeral Evites. it turns out i have strong feelings about adobe-based... all of the acronyms https://twitter.com/Balisage/status/6036... I mean when birds seek to destroy pig infrastructure who... What if it's two hours of bird/pig truth and reconciliation... I mean it has to be basically! THEY KILLED MY FAMILY. [scene of bird slaughter at hooves... A mole sent me all the secret crying spots in this... I'm thinking about the coming Angry Birds movie since @bn2b... One thing I forgot about giant companies is the sensation... Excellent and deeply-felt context by @textfiles for... I worked open-plan today which I haven't done in a while.... now i want to go get coffee and everyone is going to assume... what if there are goths in our stairwells One good thing about being overweight is that no one can... guys thanks for letting me know there are other word... c.f. https://medium.com/message/writing-on-medium-88a5e99d86... I mean...I don't think they are! Like, I asked about my... i kept meaning to tweet that all weekend and tit was like... Oh and to be clear it did that two years ago. No one should write about programming; it's impossible.... “The reality has been more complex” is how the New York... ULGH I have, myself, paused Band of Brothers to buy electronic... didja get the NooElec R820T2 SDR &DVB-GT NESDR Mini 2?... Any sufficiently advanced object model is indistinguishable... Has there ever been a bigger “we UX people completely give... “Find the COMMAND key. Now find the OPTION key. Now the... Keyboard commands are lore, not interface. YESMODES I just told a child, “you can make your own TV show in your... how do people feel when you just end a tweet with a comma, The new Neal Stephenson is not for everyone but it's pure... Check out my maunderings I just inspiringly wandered to buy Coors Light. Get inspired by my wanderings https://twitter.com/tnr/statu... Man technology sure turns people into self-entitled angry... “GitHub didn’t invent version control by a long shit.” is a... Open question: Which prog rock band is best to listen to... When I started programming it was like I was trapped inside... “Stand still so I can yell at you.” —Everyone In MacWord get rid of a horiz line: Select the line, Format... finally https://medium.com/technology-musings/the-annotated-... just out of editorial curiosity i diffed my edit of "how to... :) i mean it's doesn't link all human knowledge together but... “Never will you want something more than to untangle the... wow you read those I mean its got space shit instead of sailing ships so I'm... “My new cloud mostly works.” http://www.newrepublic.com/arti... No I know that was what I thought of immediately too. This is cool. https://twitter.com/brianoberkirch/status/6011... even crab rangoon Dramatic staged reenactment of syrupy tot dumpling... what is going outside We are raising our children to acknowledge, respect, and... 3yo twin A: "you are my dim sum." 3yo twin B: "you are my... this is great https://medium.com/@johndevore/i-quit-drinking... http://www.theonion.com/article/study-average-father-thinks-... you are naming your hard drive wrong... I understand completely. I kind of love it though, people... Yesterday someone pointed out how rare it is for someone... Approve all the comments and let god sort them out. also nybr has an amazing and lovingly-tended website that... no one mention wikipedia it'll get awk So @garychou teaches a great class at @svaixd and he gave a... also he proposes that @propublica implement the memex “there are plenty of entertaining nuggets in the book”... one of those novelty “in case of emergency break glass”... wow cutting carbs sux amirite 😖😖😖 [rapid hulk breathing]... I mean little charts are so good The Spotify/Sony contract hooooooo doggies:... here you go https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyj5GuXuaos Personal hygiene tubing. You could have a library with teensy tiny books. You would have so much fun. I want to live in a truck http://boingboing.net/2015/05/19/h... “(even Anonymous has a name)” — @ftrain... “I doubt that 85 years will eradicate the cultural need for... “The poem is 3,712 words of free verse, an average of 14... I wrote for The Message today about a very interesting... i hav dremes ware im been chaste One of the healthiest ways I've found to handle stress is... i m a disatser Imagine the guest-host nightmare that will be the final... you. know. what. makes. things. really. horrible. to. read? get that meaning omg http://beta.radiooooo.com/ This http://musicmachinery.com/ blog is super-good too. This by Chris Lago, https://open.spotify.com/track/6SgmgDISm... Here's the playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/thesounds... I listen to an embarrassing number of “what's new”... After I wrote about Spotify for @tnr I discovered this... Reading “This is what it's like to be charged by a hippo”... Oh I wonder what @blprnt is up to oh he's in Angola doing... What if at the end of the movie Don jumps out a window but... You know who else didn't care about the conclusion to Mad... I have watched this video twenty times... To be clear I have nothing against beards I'm just amazed... Its been so long though. One day who knows when beards will be out. I tried to talk to people who lived through the 1991... Writers: Tonight is a great night to give an editor bad... Tonight is the recapper's Superbowl. What if the finale is about a couple who planned to watch... Is this the finale to mad men the answer is obviously self-driving prisons brian it's beautiful outside don't be this guy I wonder if AirBNB asked anyone before it sponsored the... Which was cool because I was wearing my Baudrillard-brand... Some of the nurses at the doctor's were wearing Grey's... skipped right over dad humor into granddad this is not a... parrots in an open relationship will accept a cockatoo My friend and his wife are in a relationship with their... It's an important question: Can shoulder pets survive in a... I just assumed it had become a massive 3/4-square mile wine... That's crazy I had no idea the West Village is still there. I'm getting tweeted reports of a lot of shoulder pets... Nothing says “I need extreme amounts of attention, but at a... maybe smartphones killed shoulder pets in general it feels like weird shoulder pets is no longer a... are there still people with pet shoulder lizards in nyc it... I liked the original Content Wars but hated the prequels. the answer, as always, is micropayments there is literally no guidebook for these situations (picks... i know that tweeting out a press release about myself... Hi I'm writing a column about DATABASES for The New... these dynamically generated spotify playlists are... Could god make a house so tiny no one could blog it? kid can write http://thehairpin.com/2015/05/a-millennial-rev... Oh no Elon Musk is basically devising a plan for all humanity.... Every word I write is one less word I have to write. hare my fun. Sorry that cut off. Just a pleasant day in extreme air conditioning watching... At #thegraduateshow15 with the awesome students of @svaixd... oh they come and go and chat. Reader's Digest says that I have perfect manners so you can... Tumblr is a great place to use meth with your friends... And everyone hates the documentation team. I read this and assume that the mail team hates the... At some point in our lifetime there will be a real live... Which sport has the dumbest fans? Everyone worried about HuffPo needs to stop crying like a... Today: Verizon buys Aol. Tomorrow: “Guys, we've been over... If you can't trust Verizon's editorial judgment, what can... Seriously what are people even doing with those Knight... Why even have data journalism if no one can answer this... this is what the truth sounds like... The decline of the middle class is making it hard to... Man, people sure are less willing to give advice on an... I don't think that there any win95 browsers with emscripten... u can run windows 95 in a browser now... Nothing in programming is more pernicious than the myth of... omfg that dog “because they can't find a working driver,” wiping away 22... oh wow gnu apl mode is crazy https://twitter.com/ftrain/stat... Deep down aren't we all lost children? Is a terrible thing... Oh @twitter why did you kill @oliviataters she was the best... How they get you beer at Madison Square Garden:... When Elton John came out to a journalist in NYC:... I mean it's more like “radio” than a podcast, you know? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IyqEVoK4xoE PostgreSQL...landed...upsert http://git.postgresql.org/gitwe... the houndstooth is super cool tho is there a good nyc tailor for fatties i can't mens... I wonder if the dudes at the garage across the street are... “As your Concise Oxford sails toward me from across the... “And, obviously, for Swatches.”... Nerds, this is a great video, and it's for a Kim Stanley... I wrote a function in FORTRAN for rhetorical purposes &... omg it really IS terrible when you whine it What is the worst word to hear whined? New μ-Ziq album, nerds: https://open.spotify.com/album/68V5E... make the drones dance This article on creative computing with Clojure is the good... You see it as ignoring your email but I see it as saving up... every year this is less and less my world... I deleted that last tweet it shared too much. it's sort of dispiriting when your project is a year late... i know this is evil but it's insanely fun to contemplate... it's like evil storify wait this is 11 PAGES of comedian airline tweets... never forget http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/ar... We call that "The Google Hangout Point." this is great http://www.theawl.com/2015/05/leaving-new-york... The Detective rides into the still-smoldering city. “Fans... I know it's not the biggest deal but when people misuse... Nice story pal, but let me just...[sound of snapping]... important dancon http://www.theawl.com/2015/05/how-to-beat-a... sorry i got it wrong it was page 221 of... Remember me this way: https://twitter.com/ftrain/status/5419... Oh man then I read that donut poem as something VERY... the poem on page 211 hooooooly shit... I know, feedback forever. I liked your Medium piece a lot... i guess I COULD cut and paste but then the...um people with... that you can't retweet yourself really hurts this platform https://twitter.com/ftrain/status/276769935198404609 Sometimes you eat the brand and sometimes the brand eats... we gave this to the twins and suggested they color... What's the policy on including your own tweets in prose?... i almost don't want to show you this but... At times, following @maura on Spotify yields AMAZING... gonna do a little writing, got a cup of coffee, and days of... Hoooooooly shit this show is good... “Hi. I'm having some trouble with my journalism today.”... I question the capitalist, patriarchal society that ... I will make an app that can deliver a stiff drink wherever... i am a data visualization expert... Also right now today I'm working in a giant open-plan... I have some news about Medium: Medium gave me a brief... Maybe instead of saying “make it so easy that your mom can... Every Office-style software program should have a "paste... nothing on earth is more resistant to change than a... my essay is this dog rn https://twitter.com/ftrain/status/60... Sometimes I look at my children and I feel my heart melting... “I am intolerable right now” should be considered a valid... sometimes when you're programming you really need to take a... THIS. https://twitter.com/ftrain/status/594980586432897024 what if all the companies are fake The Office meets The Matrix