August 29, 2014 - Breakfast

Okay I need to get off of shame. Shame isn't going to get me anywhere. Just relaxing into it and acknowledging this part of myself will help. An actual official acknowledgement: As a 40-year-old, 6'3" man of means and talent, acquaintanced to leaders of industry, I will, despite my best interests and the clear findings of centuries of nutritional science, often succumb to /treats/, delicious treats, the more cream-filled the better, and I am also enslaved by /snacks/, or even worse, /snax/, the more industrially-processed the better. I am in this regard exactly like just everyone else but a little more helpless.

Thinking of it in terms of terrible consequences, in terms of my heart exploding or my arteries wrestling inside my body like tiny vipers, is not really productive. Because I keep not dying, no matter how hard I panic on the subway or how many shoulder twinges arrive. That is: No matter how awful, shameful, vile, or grisly I am, I continue to exist and I might as well make a slightly better job of it.

So let's get a plan; I can plan a giant project for 100 people over a year, so maybe I can also plan a day's meals. For lunch I am going to have two salmon burgers, just like I had for dinner. And I am going to have some more peas. I am going to avoid bread as I've had enough bread, but I might look for something a little bit filling to go with the salmon so that I don't feel my anxiety at 3PM.

Dinner will not be takeout. It will involve a salad. It doesn't NEED to involve anything else.

No matter what happens I will be fine. I will not die today, and even if absolutely no food were to pass through my body between now and tomorrow, aside from the anxiety I would experience no ill effects. All of my panics are about things that are constructed, things that may happen in the future. But instead of taking them seriously and planning around them I am thinking mystically, about strange forces and fate. I don't deserve or not deserve a heart attack, but illness and cardiovascular problems are the natural consequence of my lifestyle and diet.