I update this site when I know I can have a good day, preferring not to document the bad ones (even though they are, in fact, much more fun than the "good" days). The idea of returning to my links of sausage fills me with a summer sadness. There is no discovery left in it, just process, and I am a restless guy. I don't like to do the same thing twice. That's too bad, because dieting is the same thing twice, thrice, and so on to ∞.
And so I have been hanging out here on the edge of culturally acceptable fatness—unmolested by teenagers, capable of purchasing off-the-rack—but still I am a sack indeed, and my disappointed doctor and foot-tapping wife continue to shake their heads in slow motion as I tuck into just one more bread pudding.
I went out for dinner with a friend who had just dried out at rehab in Arizona.
"So," I asked, "what was it like drying out at a rehab in Arizona?"
"Oh man," he said. "Three-day blackout."
"With two kids," I said.
"You got to go. You're in group all the time. They're really into your stuff."
He was out of his mind, ravenous for booze, and drinking near-beer. He told us about beautiful scotches he could not drink. I had a first cocktail.
I feel pretty certain that I can get everything done. Work, life. Losing the rest of the weight. I suppose that's how you get old, feeling certain that you can get everything done. We have switched fertility clinics, as I'm sure you know. I had a cigarette, then another, on Friday, even though this has bearing upon the morphology of my sperm, and even though there are issues with that morphology. I am also to cut out Diet Coke, although the doctor isn't sure if that matters or not. And hot baths. My wife has become a helicopter wife, angry with my transgressions, going fist-helicopter when I admit to failures.
Okay, I said, two punches for two cigarettes. That's enough. Her open-handed smacking doesn't bruise me—little hands—but the shame of being smacked remains; thus it must all go perfectly from here on out.
| Food | Qty | Calories |
|---|---|---|
| Cereal, fibrous, 2/3 cup | 3 | 240 |
| Coffee, black, 1 oz. | 8 | 0 |
| Milk, no fat, 1 c. | 90 | |
| Total | 330 |
Weight: 310 lbs