The blood pressure cuff reads high as a matter of course; it's always lower at the doctor's now. Inverse white coat. The RSS feed is broken on this website; another thing to fix. I started up, maybe, my blog again; the yield was tons of hoorays and welcome emails from friends, and cheerful blog posts in the Atlantic and otherwhere. Leaving me feeling awful, but obsessively checking my stats. Praise, wished for, is toxic when received. It is a bad and heavy food that sits in my gut. Worse it leaves me feeling vulnerable, as if someone might come along and peer, eyes furrowed, chin forth, and judge me. That is what I am doing, putting myself out to be judged.
Re-reading my stuff I see how much I write like myself. A problem. You'd think smoothness in the style would be enough, and God knows I can now write for just about anyone outside of TV. But it's not; there are things for me to do to break open my style. Craft diminishes the risk of failure, but that should just set me looking for bigger and bigger failures, not falling back on craft. To fall back on craft is not to approach upon your knees.
Which is what the fear of being judged is about. I am not approaching on my knees; I am returning as a kind of professor. This is a mistake.
| Food | Qty | Calories |
|---|---|---|
| Cereal, 2/3 c. | 1.5 | 120 |
| Cereal, fibrous, 2/3 cup | 1.5 | 120 |
| Milk, no fat, 1 c. | 90 | |
| Total | 330 |
Weight: 307 lbs