January 5, 2010 - Biggest Loser

The Biggest Loser, Season 9, Episode 1

8:00 PM

I am watching The Biggest Loser. Season whatever, episode 1. Extremely fat people are already crying.

8:08

I like the way they make the curly-haired fatty tell everyone in the gym that he's a big awful fatty and that he'll come back to them better and stronger.

8:10

The twins are one pound different. That's actually fasci--oh, this woman's husband died. More tears?

8:12

The woman from Puerto Rico said "yes we can!" Except she couldn't actually vote.

8:14

I so would have qualified for this show back in the day. I should have auditioned. I would have been hilarious. I would have just refused to cry at one point.

8:15

Here we go--this guy can't put on his own shoes. And this woman never kissed a girl. And this chicken never ate a snake. God these lives are hard.

8:18

Another man-mountain. Oh God he's--cut to crying--weighing in at the pizza place? In an--more crying--Italian headband at 526 lbs. More crying.

8:19

Sugar-free gum! Mascara! Wal-Mart!

8:24

They're here! And excited! They're cross-branding the experience, and that blond blankness of a host is there with her kewpie smile.

8:25

I bet being in that crowd is kind of weird and jiggly. I bet the gym smells like grandma's chair.

8:25

This quarter-ton Italian dude is full of chuckles.

8:26

13 miles on a bike isn't the worst thing ever.

8:27

Some movie with Phoenix in the soundtrack, Yoplait, Sprint.

8:32

You are the fattest of all! The fattest! These are not the fastest bike riders.

8:33

Oh God, that's bad sweatiness, bad sweatiness.

8:34

Slow motion, crossfade, and--yes--screaming. Someone has won something.

8:36

Yes! First failure on bike.

8:43

Two couples are sent home. Did they just get rid of most of the Black people at once? How could they get rid of the guy from the Green Mile? And couldn't they let them shower before they stuff them back in the limo? Or at least hose her down?

8:44

Jillian arrives with some shitty Carmina Burana-style music. You can imagine that the music director is someone grandfathered in from season 1. Don't change the recipe.

8:45

Jamie Lee Curtis's colon is so much happier from yoghurt. This retro-ruins my enjoyment of Trading Places And um--Taco Bell, really? You're pitching yourself as a diet option? One of those tasty taco snacks is that woman's calories for the entire day.

8:48

Twelve minutes remaining. Jillian and Bob are here pitting the Black people against each other.

8:51

Too much awkward chuckling.

8:51

Puking! Screaming! Brita sponsorship that also mentions Wal-Mart. Two sponsor placements at once--that's a gift.

8:53

Jillian is already starting to manipulate that poor albino woman. She is perched like an emotion vulture. Now the fat albino lady is hitting things in anger. It's awful to gaze upon.

8:55

Bob the trainer reminds me of this unmarried guy I knew when I was in high school, who enjoyed Janet Jackson and lived alone in an apartment. He liked to give young men gifts.

8:59

I think there's another hour left. Also the reason that guy is alone is because his hair is curly like a clown. Even the Tongan is crying. Also, dude, women love 400-lb men all the time. This is the burden of being a woman.

9:02

They probably are always cooking onions on set.

9:03

Calories in, calories out. Well, that works.

9:04

I bet there are topless shots of Jillian somewhere. That's going to happen sooner or later. It's going to be weird.

9:07

I love watching fatties fall from treadmills.

9:12

This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

9:12

Bob wears sweater vests even though he's thin. Out of solidarity?

9:13

I wonder if any of these contestants hook up. Why isn't there an infrared camera on this show?

9:16

Because I am racist I imagined the Tongan cousins with ukeleles.

9:18

Jillian changed the albino woman's life.

9:28

This one guy right here is my size around my biggest. He's weighing in. Cut to commercial...

9:30

He did fine. [Wife] just pointed out that based on the commercials--two romantic comedies, Yoplait, etc.--only women watch this show.

9:34

Purple team. "I can't remember the last time I felt so happy. I think it was the day Stephanie was born." Cut to Stephanie. Gluururrrrugughg.

9:40

Couldn't they spring for something besides a piezoelectric beep on the scales? It sounds like a broken watch. How about an ominous rising tone to build tension?

9:45

Dude is now down below 500 lbs. Hero! And now they're going to send one of the twins away, which is sad, because they are so weird.

9:46

God this show sucks.