January 12, 2010 - Biggest Loser

The Biggest Loser, Season 9, Episode 2

8:12 PM

Just got in from a dinner of scallops with a bread pudding closer at a restaurant in Monterey, California. We were on the end of a pier and our waitress was a tweaker. We're about to drink some wine; the hotel gave it to us for free because there was a feceslike smear in the shower. Biggest Loser is on. This is an unhealthy group, says the doctor. The doctor has a kind of huggy-hippie aspect. He's sort of Spet

8:13

First tears achieved. Now they are going to add a few hundred pounds to Bob the trainer so that the fattest guy ever on the show can hate himself further. "How are you living like this?" Bob asks, with several weird vests added to his little lithe lynxlike body. Bob weighs about seventy pounds wet and lives on a diet of pure semen.

8:23

"We're going to show the road; you're going to have to walk it." Norman Vincent Peale's festering corpse just woke up to take notice.

8:24

This man was a commercial diver, and now he's too fat. That's sad. Maybe when he's done with this he can be on The Biggest Catch. But for now he must tell us how badly he has failed in life. They show him three million dollars that he's wasted from fatness, although that makes almost no sense. Fatties are hungry, hungry for money.

8:26

It's time to make a change.

8:28

They're making Jillian eat what fatties eat. All that shit looks good and nice and fried. She's eating cold Mexican food like it's poison. The gap between Jillian's breasts is like a small canyon. If you saw her topless her nipples would point in radically different directions.

8:33

This vacation has puffed out my doublechin. Ah well. Now the fatties must balance on a beam and take beach balls across the beam. This is basically a way to space out the crying.

8:35

Fatties on balance beams carrying balls is just mean. There's a lot of splashing. Why are they wearing helmets? They're fat, not retarded. Although actually watching them on those balance beams it's hard to tell the difference.

8:37

Oh God, they got some crying out of this challenge. Now they have everything they wanted. Some woman just can't do it. The mother of the quarter-ton guy. These people give up in a slight breeze. You're wearing a helmet; what are you worried about?

8:40

The challenge is over, and who gives a shit? It's time for bacon.

8:41

[Wife] points out: they make 2-year-olds do this in pre-school. Now a woman fell flat onto cement, breaking the fall with her face. I guess helmets just weren't enough. It's not their fault that Taco Bell is everywhere.

8:43

There's a NUTELLA AD it's smeared on BREAD for God's sake NBC this is like showing satanic porn during the 700 Club.

8:46

First blood has been claimed. An ambulance is coming. The moaning woman also appears to have broken her arm. The White Team, of which she was a member, has been told that it has a two-pound disadvantage. This is a bad day. It's karmic retribution for that guy wearing a headband.

8:48

Turns out this woman has a black eye and a broken finger. The chubby guy has forgotten to comb his hair. He looks amazing. Like a very obese Beaker.

8:52

More crying, much more crying, while the woman is on the treadmill. Jillian is inspiring my wife to sheer hatred. "Her lip-gloss makes me so furious. She's wearing a cross necklace. On her neck. That whore."

8:53

Why doesn't Jillian wear a bathing suit? That would be good for ratings. This is an excuse to put a hot muscular woman into a bathing suit.

8:54

Oh God, Jillian taught a fat, busty woman to float. This is like teaching a wheel to turn. It would be amazing if she had taught the woman to sink.

8:55

."

Wow. My wife just made fun of that hysterical woman in the white T-shirt. "Loo me swim! I'm so swimmy!"

8:56

What will we advertise now? Gravy and biscuits? Ice cream treats? Bacon-fried lard?

9:00

You know what will save your life? Extra sugarfree gum! That fucking gum tastes like shit.

9:01

They have rendered fatties in 3D using MRI Pixar technologies.

9:02

More self-loathing from the guy with the Kenny Rogers beard. Now he's going to cry. [Wife] says: "I hope someone is looking at that mole under his right ear. He's going to die of melanoma before he dies of a heart attack."

9:03

Oh Christ, there's a whole next hour. They're showing a cross-section of Michael. He has a very tiny weenus in the X-ray.

9:04

"There are so many things I haven't experienced...." Wife concludes: "So many gold chains I haven't worn yet."

9:06

Why is the doctor standing next to a pod? Also, that woman smokes?

9:09

Congratulations! You're a diabetic! Also, you're 27--but you're actually 57 years old inside. Now you can cry out your diabetus. Cut to commercial for Taco Bell double-fried chewing gum sugar buckets.

9:11

I fucking hate Steve Wilson for Verizon. Fuck that guy. I will never see another movie with that shithead. Oh and shit, for reals, it's diet Taco Bell commercial. Our society is evil and broken. Here's an ad for the family-focused Johnson&Johnson. It doesn't mention coked-out heiresses ODing, for some reason.

9:14

"Last chance!" More crying, more gym, more crying. The boy with the curly hair is punching the bag, but he really just wants s'mores.

9:15

I forgot about the twin.

9:16

[Wife]: How can her bras be that bad? Unless that's actually her gut.

9:23

Oh God will it ever end. I have dunlap fatigue.

9:24

The beeping starts. The woman gained a pound. She had immunity. I see. This is about winning the game, not losing weight. Fuck all these people, and the network.

9:42

Bad news for Purple Team, so far. Which is too bad because the younger brunette is sweet-looking. If they boot her then there's no talent among the contestants.

9:44

I bet the janitors at the--oh man that guy has some shoulder hair--the janitors at the Biggest Loser Ranch are really frustrated; I imagine a huge number of overflows and serious incidents. Toilets collapsing under the pressure.

9:46

We're close to the end. Carmina Burana music; beeping; fatness. Michael and his broken mother have made it work. The mother-son dynamics in this show are horrible; the way they look adoring on their bloated sons makes me want to eat Red Vines and smoke cigars.

9:47

They're going to boot one of the chicks from Purple Team. No one gives a shit. Thirteen minutes of flabby lachrymosity remainl, but I'm signing off. Goodnight.