25 Jul 98

By Paul Ford

Day Four

SUBWAY DIARY HAS BEEN COLD LATELY
THAT WAS ME I WAS AFRAID
TO SPEAK TOO MUCH
TO MAKE AN ASSHOLE OF MYSELF
BETTER TO STYLE THE PROSE LIKE SUPERMANS HAIR LICK
PERFECT GREASY ARTIFICE TONIGHT THOUGH
LONELY AND FAT AND HAD ENOUGH
WORKING ON DIRECT MAIL COPY FOR A DEREGULATED ELECTRIC COMPANY
FREELANCE WORK AT FIFTY AN HOUR
EVERYONE ELSE IS HOME SLEEPING WITH PEOPLE THAT BORE THEM
OR AT BIRTHDAY PARTIES
CANT EVEN GET THE PHONE NUMBER OF OLD FRIENDS
GOING TO LISTEN TO NEIL YOUNG ALBUM NOW
AND LAUGH AT MYSELF
SAME SONG OVER AND OVER AGAIN
SAME THIRTY SECONDS
DONT LET IT BRING YOU DOWN
ITS ONLY CASTLES BURNING
OKAY

SOMEDAYS I MISS MY EX GIRLFRIEND
I THINK SHE UNDERSTOOD ME
I WONDER WHOS FUCKING HER NOW
THATS THE ETERNAL BURNING QUESTION
SHE WAS A VIRGIN
I SHOULD BE PROUD OF MYSELF
RIGHT NOW I REMEMBER THAT WE HAD LOVE
AFTER A COUPLE OF DRINKS AFTER WORK WHERE WE TALKED ABOUT
THE LATEST AD CAMPAIGN WERE RUNNING
AND EVEN THOUGH THE WHOLE THING WAS ICEBOX LUST
IT BEAT TALKING ABOUT AD CAMPAIGNS AT LEAST TONIGHT

YOU CAN BUY QUICKSET CONCRETE AT HOME DEPOT
12 MINUTE WALK FROM MY HOUSE
I NEED NEW SHOES ANYWAY

ME IM NOT LONELY
IM SO GODDAMNED SMART
I MAKE MY OWN FRIENDS
FROM PAPER LIKE TANGRAMS
I REARRANGE THE SHAPES WHEN THEY BORE ME
LEAST IVE GOT A CAREER
GOING FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF SLEEP
THE IRONY IS THAT IM CHANGING INTO MYSELF AND MY FRIENDS DITCHED ME
WHEN I STARTED TO GET UPSET WHEN I WASNT A CHEERY SMILING ASSHOLE
WHEN I STARTED TO TIRE OF COMPLAINING IN MYSELF AND ELSEWHERE
WHEN I STARTED TO GROW INTO SOMETHING NOT SO SMALL AND LARGE
CHECKING EMAIL MAILBOX VOICE MAIL ANSWERING MACHINE OVER AND OVER
AND IM DIETING AND ITS MAKING ME CRAZY
IN THIS FAT THERE ARE ANGELS AND ALSO DRUNKEN ANGRY VIOLENT MEN
I AM LETTING THEM OUT
BECAUSE THEY ARE COMING OUT ANYWAY
I DONT HAVE ANYTHING TO STUFF DOWN THE EMOTIONS
NO PILES OF STARCH AND SUGAR
I WANT TO CALL PEOPLE AND SCREAM
BUT SOMETHING KEEPS ME FROM REACHING OUT TO OLD HABITS
I WANT TO HAVE SEX BUT IM NOT READY YET IT MIGHT BE ANOTHER YEAR
I WANT TO THINK STRAIGHT BUT IM CROOKED
I WANT TO WORK THROUGH THE NIGHT BUT IM TIRED
I WANT TO WRITE STORIES BUT I RUN OUT
I WANT TO BE ANGRY BUT I JUST SHIVER
I WANT SOMEONE TO TALK TO

LISTEN HERE
WHEN YOU GET ANGRY BECAUSE IM GOING
WHEN YOU SAY THAT HES YOUNG AND AHEAD OF HIMSELF
WHEN YOURE UPSET BECAUSE I CAN WRITE
WHEN YOU RAISE YOUR PINK HAND TO WAVE
BUT I DONT ALSO KISS YOUR ASS
REMEMBER THAT I GOT FUCKED UP
THAT I WENT TO A SCHOOL FOR POOR KIDS
THAT MY DAD DISAPPEARED
THAT MY MOM WAS TOTALLY FUCKING INSANE
THAT I HAD NO MONEY OR BRAIN AND SLICED UP MY FACE WITH A KNIFE
THAT THEY WANTED TO HOSPITALIZE ME ON THE FOURTH FLOOR OF ST JAMES MERCY HOSPITAL IN HORNELL NEW YORK
ALL MY FRIENDS WENT THERE TOO
SHOULD WRITE A SONG
A CALM ROOM WITH DOCTORS IN WHITE COATS WHO ARE TIRED OF RUNNING THROUGH THE FIELDS
THAT I HAD A MOTHER WHO KILLED THE FUCKING BIRD WHILE I WAS NAKED IN THE TUB
THAT THEY NEARLY PUT ME IN JAIL ONCE
THAT I AM THE REASON THAT SIDE OF THE FAMILY WONT TALK TO MY SIDE
THAT I WAS IN COUNSELING FROM FIVE TO TWENTY ONE
GROUP THERAPY TOO
AND THAT THERE WAS FOR A LONG TIME NO SAFE PLACE
EXCEPT THE TOP OF THE WEST CHESTER MUNICIPAL GARAGE
IF YOU WANT TO BEGRUDGE ME A ONE FIFTY IQ
GO AHEAD

NONE OF YOU KNOW THE LEAST THING ABOUT ARCHIE AND MEHITABEL
SO OF COURSE THIS JOKE LIKE THE OTHERS IS LOST
I HAVE NO INTENTION OF GOING TO A THERAPIST

I'm looking for a position as a houseboy. The ideal employer will be