.

 

09 Jul 98

Name Your Poison

Name Your Poison

Wilfred Smicket: Hi, I'm Wilfred Smicket, and welcome to "Name Your Poison." Let's start playing. George Vostos, you're a neurophysiologist from Billings, Idaho?

George Vostos: That is correct!

Wilfred Smicket: And Doris Patterjohn, you're a specialist in mushrooms, from Mishatoon, Wisconsin?

Doris Patterjohn: That's fungi, Will. Yes.

Wilfred Smicket: Let's start with Doris. Doris, I'm going to ask you to drink from the glass on the table...there. Now, can you tell us what you just swallowed? And ladies and gentlemen, I'm holding the antidote right here. (Holds up packet.)

Doris Patterjohn: I think I taste something vaguely rubbery--no--no--I taste palm leaves--yes, yes, this is...oh, God, the compound of tapioca root, I can't remember the name, but that's it. Compound of tapioca root.

Wilfred Smicket: Let's go to the board...how about "compound of tapioca root?"

Voice Over: Well, Will, that would be a valid answer, but I'm afraid that's not this poison.

Audience: Oh!

Wilfred Smicket: Yes, Doris, we gave you plain old cyanide doped in vanilla. (Throws antitode over shoulder.) But don't worry--you'll receive our consolation prize....

(Doris begins to gag, grabs at her eyes, runs toward the antidote, and falls to the ground.)

Cut to: rotating coffin, with merchandise display model.

Voice Over: Doris will be travelling into the great beyond in style, in a Ballmer Copper Coffin. Notice as Anna shows the sleek, smooth curves and sturdy, decomposition-proof handlework. A superior coffin for a superior burial, from Ballmer.

Wilfred Smicket: Well, bad luck for Doris. How about you, George? Ready to play?

George Vostos: (Crying.) Of course I'm ready, Will.

Cut to: Commercial for Pert.

(Re-imagined from an old radio skit performed with Steve Pav on WALF, 89.7 FM.)


[Top]

Ftrain.com

PEEK

Ftrain.com is the website of Paul Ford and his pseudonyms. It is showing its age. I'm rewriting the code but it's taking some time.

FACEBOOK

There is a Facebook group.

TWITTER

You will regret following me on Twitter here.

EMAIL

Enter your email address:

A TinyLetter Email Newsletter

About the author: I've been running this website from 1997. For a living I write stories and essays, program computers, edit things, and help people launch online publications. (LinkedIn). I wrote a novel. I was an editor at Harper's Magazine for five years; then I was a Contributing Editor; now I am a free agent. I was also on NPR's All Things Considered for a while. I still write for The Morning News, and some other places.

If you have any questions for me, I am very accessible by email. You can email me at ford@ftrain.com and ask me things and I will try to answer. Especially if you want to clarify something or write something critical. I am glad to clarify things so that you can disagree more effectively.

POKE


Syndicate: RSS1.0, RSS2.0
Links: RSS1.0, RSS2.0

Contact

© 1974-2011 Paul Ford

Recent

@20, by Paul Ford. Not any kind of eulogy, thanks. And no header image, either. (October 15)

Recent Offsite Work: Code and Prose. As a hobby I write. (January 14)

Rotary Dial. (August 21)

10 Timeframes. (June 20)

Facebook and Instagram: When Your Favorite App Sells Out. (April 10)

Why I Am Leaving the People of the Red Valley. (April 7)

Welcome to the Company. (September 21)

“Facebook and the Epiphanator: An End to Endings?”. Forgot to tell you about this. (July 20)

“The Age of Mechanical Reproduction”. An essay for TheMorningNews.org. (July 11)

Woods+. People call me a lot and say: What is this new thing? You're a nerd. Explain it immediately. (July 10)

Reading Tonight. Reading! (May 25)

Recorded Entertainment #2, by Paul Ford. (May 18)

Recorded Entertainment #1, by Paul Ford. (May 17)

Nanolaw with Daughter. Why privacy mattered. (May 16)

0h30m w/Photoshop, by Paul Ford. It's immediately clear to me now that I'm writing again that I need to come up with some new forms in order to have fun here—so that I can get a rhythm and know what I'm doing. One thing that works for me are time limits; pencils up, pencils down. So: Fridays, write for 30 minutes; edit for 20 minutes max; and go whip up some images if necessary, like the big crappy hand below that's all meaningful and evocative because it's retro and zoomed-in. Post it, and leave it alone. Can I do that every Friday? Yes! Will I? Maybe! But I crave that simple continuity. For today, for absolutely no reason other than that it came unbidden into my brain, the subject will be Photoshop. (Do we have a process? We have a process. It is 11:39 and...) (May 13)

That Shaggy Feeling. Soon, orphans. (May 12)

Antilunchism, by Paul Ford. Snack trams. (May 11)

Tickler File Forever, by Paul Ford. I'll have no one to blame but future me. (May 10)

Time's Inverted Index, by Paul Ford. (1) When robots write history we can get in trouble with our past selves. (2) Search-generated, "false" chrestomathies and the historical fallacy. (May 9)

Bantha Tracks. (May 5)

More...
Tables of Contents