Going through old print-outs, I found this never-sent cover letter.

Dear Mr. [Deleted]:

I offer an unprecedented set of skills for an office temp. I type 100 words a minute, speak Spanish, and talk to birds ala St. Francis. I can also suck cock like a dock whore.

I offer an alternative to expensive photocopiers--just let me eat your memo, and within twenty minutes I'll shit out 3000 copies. Need me to call you Massa while massaging your cat's neck? I'd be glad to. And I'll do all this without showing the deep antipathy I feel towards you, and towards my $7/hr job.

To sum up: I can provide talent, organic photocopying, and antipathy towards your company.

Sincerely,

Paul Ford