May 2013 BY Paul Ford 2013 573 Sections good tweet air conditioning here is turned up so high i'm freezing honestly it's the hardest just a lifetime of regret and you're not even a month old but the worst was friends-of-friends who named their... but we actually figured it out the weeks were just... soon and i want to see you. i'm out next week but week... like when we named our daughter Ivy TWO WEEKS BEFORE BLUE... the cronut is an eruption of donut disruption give america three weeks nope we either copied from them (likely) or they copied... there's always my vox account guys if xanga goes away how will we know who among us... okay, here it is [690 entries about not having sex with my... networkshaming isn't cool left ventricular This is known in some circles as “The Friedman Problem.” Look at Lincoln's average sentence length! Compared with... being awful is okay, a badge of honor, but being called a... buffalo beast and nypress. but frauds jacob frauds are... this is very easy for an anonymous appliance to say it has all sorts of statistical analysis of word count by... more rooms should be this way i worry i am on the list oh god this list it would be so viral neither one exists within a framework that is... Horrible but everywhere? Oh I can't even, I love perl... It never stops hurting sigh you're in the next issue! final edit has zero perl yes but if you get health care and shelter the amount of... true I...it's not...I really wanted to...they... oh for god's sake this article safer just to kill all the rugs oh god today was a serious exception you are in for quite a... the entire site is a single ligature i know shani the snow fall of just being good to each other whoa they got to retire i want to retire i am desperate very, very likely hey, Jim! Thanks. Hope I'll see you before too long. jim hey! god it's a pretty day in nyc. just the nicest day. i didn't believe this until I learned that one of gandalf's... unless that was you going on special trips 89 times with... I just realized that we can now shorten that song to "when... slow nod of approval thank you! You're right, I need to go to the mask store. This did interest me, especially as 40 approaches and I... Maybe I should burst into the room in a giant mask and... david foster Wallace commencement run through rot13... DONE valuable! just doing something nice for me just need an angel investor but i don't notice! #morelikeit NOT CLASSY effective strategy #realtalk god you might be right like after a shower, right? i don't understand see exactly max are you saying that all books are BETTER... this is exactly the emotion i feel it's uncanny Understanding the Holocaust brought to you by Krupp, Bayer,... this is a good point oh god the best batshit love you babe maureen historians gotta eat me too. Ee dee you people are crazy. i just want to make sure @ginatrapani has access to that... left my helmet at work but monday oh i just visited and that site is just why did u kill prak Juliet or you must watch your darlings be savagely hacked to death... i am rich in processor cycles LIFETIME BAN DAN boooooooooooooo although much of it is irrelevant big transactions get a lot of attention. small ones are... great to hear that it's late guys whoa joshua i had a web journal in 1996 it's okay dan http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NG2EGOB9-lc dan no i mean what's up with weeks in the first place so arbitrary... BUT NO ONE HAS EVER SEEN THE REST OF THE OFFICE you should see the rest of the office yeah thanks canada everything is SO BEAUTIFUL can you SEE THEM you access it via a yard filled with cats and machine parts it helps me feel the crushing aloneness that is so... of course michael where do you think i sleep i like it because it's one of the few places that welcomes... i've never been there i'm just going off those videos of A... because they live it, honestly this article on meningitis... holllly whoa this article hai! i haven't seen it on paper, actually. my big ol' head. wow it's nice to wake up to tweets saying good job it makes... I like it but that's because sitting causes me to shriek in... just a taste just a little it's cool NO DAMMIT I'M THE... like, tough couple of days, you're under a lot of stress at... right but he can totally have those delivered and it would... Hey if you're headed down anyway do you mind making a quick... you have to say something 10,000 times to turn into guy... i'll come to your house and sing the whole thing and that's funny because that's exactly how i beat together... that's exactly how I do CSS i don't understand the letter that came after y/ and before... wanna go camping yep! that's okay, my general sense of inadequacy and... Oh cool! In what context? My ego wants me to ask you. i truly cannot imagine being nonwhite on the internet. or a... because tv doesn't have a comments section no he's cool worse, the internet is going to win remember that words can hurt guys I am not in the picture don't drag me into this would watch this movie I don't dismiss anyone but I reserve the right to be... sure many are great, but many are patronizing assholes it is clear I am judging the show not the characters there's room It's such an amazing book. I think it belongs to us all the best part is just one percent of death is still an... oh you must sleep john you must be strong for tomorrow rob what is that it is BEAUTIFUL It's true, it's one of Brooklyn's easiest-to-ruin parks,... ❤💚💜💙💛❤💚💜💛💘💞💖💕💓💛💙💜💚❤💚💙💛💓💖💞💘❤💘💞💙💕💚... I love u bobby i'm worried they'll say yes that's enough for like six more cats well, three months is four years according to my cat... I'm always in awe of anyone who has packages in repositories oh goddammit I'm at tweet 10001 it's a beautiful palindrome so i'm going... Turns out that was my 10,000th tweet so I need to go ask... you need to open a new ticket and we can maybe work it into... katie i know it's friday but come on great i'm closing the ticket and let's be honest they don't work all that hard greg do you know where i can get crack greg finn. that is a perfectly perennial thing to say, actually and me alas i cannot front also saying "front" is a... like someone over 30 who snapchats, that's a Perennial... finn I'm thinking it's someone over 30 who spends too much time... mine too especially with this deviated septum FOR GOD'S SAKE oh god i'm old #millennials gleeful when it was over Come now crack addiction in a mayor is serious. Also there... Let's not play "Vollman says" or we'll end up on freight... http://wry.me/hacking/Turing-Drawings/#4 I'm unable to really enjoy strong tea because I have steep... Truth is, we do get 50 down, 15 up from Optimum. sigh Oh wow, congrats Nick that's great [dabs eyes with... hacker news huh hi shani plus the extra 100 lbs and overall gigantism, but this way... yes I need to finish a very complicated 3,000 word article... totally sending manuscripts this way working at home! no and that's just fine by me while everybody watches at least that guy.doing karaoke on Leno was real haha oh god no that's like saying there's nothing wrong... first @elements byline Mine is nowhere near long enough. and...BEYOND The best team! I mean there are others [Joan Didion, Annie Dillard, etc.],... don't crack up nozzles Thank you sir. cuz Yale? Or a really chubby Eustace Tilley compulsively checking an... [pops head out from behind tinfoil-covered, door,... pops you just blew my mind ohrite YOU would have been all "Bing Crosby's delicate... Damn straight it does, Drew. Great link, and thanks. branding is an art you know nice how's the pup? hi Laura so much other software has the features teens need, and... it's also entirely possible that email will get him laid oh great does she, Kendall? Does she? all WordPress. But it migrated okay thank you because it's hard and I am often very confused Good product feedback! oh god um yes yeah, are you leaving early? cool i think this may be the entire audience for that joke i hate when they ask what I think because they don't want... Tales of Ponda: Ponda also mat don't worry was timeshifting, will be back in present soon you could probably barely hear the words it would sound... and now that i unfollowed everyone it's spring in my heart Hey! Cool! Hi! Sure! omg too real He remembers it as being about the scene where he's getting... he's tried truffaut and bogdanovich, no dice pretty sure--a friend remembers it as being absolutely... It felt worth noting. but yeah this punch is less abt guns and more that ingroups... me too, but its a helluva thing meaghan The quote, not the movie. the whole thing is super well-intentioned but then $ also... The crazy thing is that I think Avenues is actually the... which would have been so much more awesome. I'm not looking... it's a tribal reaction. but a kid killing another with a... if everyone starts looking things up i'm screwed but then i wouldn't have a job Mike I don't get much credit for positing; they talk about the... awesome skibadoobop better that way it's possible that des ark song is great though I went and looked and remember so little of that. I was... they really did it shani right in the solar plexus eh Alice TALKLESS in gray rubber I would really put it as your primary skill michael stop I can't have opinions. medically I mean hi shani not easy to type that on a phone I want you to know i just endorsed you for tweeting jacob i'm working jacob I'm okay with being mixed up with the same guy who wrote... shani it's going to be so awkward yeah i kind of welcome that one tom i am without you what else do women think anil tom we contain multitudes, multitudes of sandwiches more tea? I'm having some. 1PM back to back intvws but around and back tomorrow too FACE MELTED if that dude from Path made an app that helped people hate... sorry it's too late you're writing that for O'Reilly now ANIL DON'T why would you even I'm 26 and hanging out with my neighbor... [walks by library, starts crying, slow pan to sled named... you're right it's like something...happened in the late 90s... no god the dude threw big killer rocks into the air with... EXACTLY WHO ARE YOU HOW DOES THIS WORK you're right WhereDidMyJamGo? Big Smoker good listserve how many chins is too many asking for a friend you are rich “The good thing is that, like a colonoscopy, once the... Oh man @justin_bonanno a Game of Thrones/NYC private school... see you tomorrow it's been a few hours so maybe I'm detoxing Twins after blueberries https://vine.co/v/bY0xn2YV0Xt “4. You don’t write personal essays.”... It is true, America needs mass-produced fried croissants so... THIS BAKERY (drops rolling pin; shockwaves explode all... “I've said it once and will say it again: This bakery is... you'd never know a whole afternoon flushed right down the friendhole I respect that Warren Buffett invests in two things that... wow remember millennials was that even a thing http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Fh6eLXGmog Here is a set of paragraph symbols to help you today:... Now is the time in planning the talk when I cut six hours... no post its on google glass rusty i found this old moldy list of kids in my little league in... wait that was a weird humblebrag “And the worst flight of all? ”... “‘They always ask for my feedback and I can't keep coming... A professional is just a slightly older fraud. “I wouldn’t say it qualifies as ‘genius,’ and it might get... There's absolutely no reason for you to watch Ashton... Spelling bee memory: I was in 3d grade, trying for... “The way HireArt works, explained Sharef (who was my... There's this one episode of Jack Benny where they go, "AND... i want you to spend so much money on me that it makes... i want to tell you how much i love you so i built a... i want to be the snow fall of your heart it paced itself and kept revealing more and more, never... that might be the greatest slideshow When not decorating his place in Shostakovich's old... If Sheila E had married Prince how would she have... I was in college before I learned that dogies are not... My programming language only supports corn and I need one... good listserve Bring back the Boy Spies of America!... Emu later http://gothamist.com/2013/05/28/an_emu_drowned.php what if they shut it down right now and said that they... This is the platonic essence of animated gif cartoons about... gotta hand it to you you really drew me into your web of... What if someone said they were selected for the Listserve... J. R. R. u kidding? It's crazy for a fictional character to have all those... Here is the link, and Gandalf has a lot of powers.... What powers does Gandalf possess? - Quora "at night, when hominid eyes were closed" is a truly great... some questions about eyebrows were never meant to be asked It must have been sad to find that the page is inconclusive... To create a fuller look, eyebrows can be cloned in an... for example, eyebrows can KEEP TIGERS AWAY just wear a mask... the eyebrow page on Wikipedia is a freaking delight head... “‘For me, what’s subversive about Superman is that it’s not... will yours have warm fuzzies i am going to regret this immediately but can anyone... Sit down son. [Squall rises outside; house goes suddenly,... “In the current upheaval, the desire to anoint someone... if we aren't disappointed it won't be the Listserve! ASCII pron be cool be cool be cool you can do this My wife texted "ream on top of my printer" and I forgot I'd... no Toronto you have become interesting. #veryshortreads “An Apple-1 computer, made in 1976, sold for a record... To recover the One Trick one must learn the one trick.... Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead,... here's a tip to #gogreen and #savetheearth did you know... this whole system is designed to sell more towels The respondent to that Dove tweet tends to say "3-4" but my... fair question a free textbook on discrete mathematics for comp sci with... the crucifix...MELTING let's go up to the church attic i think i hear a noise Sure, you provide safety and security while everyone else... As my youth pastor used to say, [removes guitar from a case... listen you can't have a youth-group hayride unless somebody... These are promotional tweets because I've worshipped Wally... Do I wish I'd had a novel about a sensitive punk rock... My pal Walt is giving away his BANANACAKES YA novel about... I just had this sudden memory of attending a kid's... “‘No one understands a whole computer system anymore,’ Mr.... haha no just kidding i am actually right now in the process... after months of training i just completed my first cryathlon coming across dead people in my contacts and remembering... i support a lifetime ban on writers who test positive for... question: is it better to plant all the seeds, or to make... you were narrative and set scenes maybe you deserved better... last night at midnight i held a funeral for the 1800 words... history is pretty good about remembering money http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=cpUfI... “‘The people who plant the seed are often forgotten through... “The site was extremely simple and contained a simple... Billy Joel: “I’m the Realtor to the stars.”... Oh for god's sake "Piper's just here to empty her Diva Cup."... http://www.parkslopefamilycircus.com/ not sailing today huh I keep reading the name of the in-testing "lady Viagra" as... A nice set of glitch resources at Rhizome... It was originally supposed to be gᾰf but it had no alpha... I'm pronouncing "png" as "phing." what You ever get the feeling like you've been preparing for... here let me ruin your afternoon... There is an age where slow, emotive acoustic covers of pop... Since you asked, my standing desk setup. The Drakkar Noir... “Or they kill the rats right after a moment of craving or... world masters of rat lust a novel forthcoming from fsg “He stops at a folding table set up between two video... “One of the world’s masters of rat lust is Jim Pfaus...who... “Though the predator was tender, though he was cherished.”... since i hurt my leg i've gone 100% standing desk and [7,000... anyway she was cool and smoking crack is no joke UNLESS you... “Far from just being a PC move, including black people in... i had a friend who was a recovering crack addict and i used... I bet Rob Ford really wants some crack right about now. complicated listserve “Mr. Junge, who was 62 at the time, said the idea that it... until we decided to kill ourselves, but that would be the... dude can puppets skype truly the best in weeks. rusty can we a sort of statler... i think we all learned something very valuable today bring a bag so you can take your brains home because i am... There will be no more questions ever after that keynote in... i have a fox puppet and a hedgehog puppet and one of them... my closing keynote at 2013 confab in Minneapolis is going... from of my forehead yes that is what i said from of what... oh god i have to go the hospital to get my palm extracted... anything that threatens my uninhibited flow of images and... honestly even bringing up that the internet would prefer it... the internet really would prefer it if you didn't bring up... oh hey guys you blew it up goddamn you all to hell well see... The Internet is finding the Statue of Liberty buried on the... my doctor is very trusting and very busy at once This train car for instance is filled with the vilest... I'm incredibly angry for no clear reason. I can't tell... It's not that the comments are patronizing or offensive;... I almost wrote a different piece because I knew the... It's Mad Men Monday! http://www.slate.com/articles/arts/tv_c... dear human language we are sorry sincerely technology say monetize eyeballs say it see what happens “‘The challenge has always been, how do you monetize... There is no worse waste of time than worrying about someone... sounds euphemistic then again what doesn't? Prospect Park makes just $75k from GoogaMooga.... distract him. show him how to build a publishing platform. true the hospital makes it a royal pain to return them,... maybe you should get a new baby good baby this thing goes deep What happens when you call off a brand engagement? Who... First you allow gay marriage and now millions of people are... HR just rejected my request for three months caternity... I just learned the word “whitesplaining.” Let me tell you... “Everyone loves sponsored content because it is the best... The worst part of the air sex competition is when people... is that an official pycon event? “you must have at least one invisible person (or object)... not pence? Just about every conversation with a Perennial ends with... Perennials are the generation that uses Facebook and... #perennials “We stood, naked, before each other with no secrets, no... You should have seen the two paragraphs I just had to kill.... you know what they say about writing eighth draft's the... something something Etobicoke nah forget it You don't get many headlines like that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford Smokes Crack... People would be annoyed. The cloud can't handle me right now. I was going to take a covert photo of this weird-looking... sometimes i want to believe in god just to spite these... The fox, the hedgehog, and Jon Snow. “I have never in my life seen such a swollen pelvic bone.”... Why a man eats another man's heart... yep that's the leg sat wrong then biked on it. this is more of a lifetime of... codeine 4 is that a lot? rusty it's only fair that it be me On Court St. there's a yoga studio where the pet... Meyer Wolfsheim is just a guy. Tom Buchanan is a cannon dressed as a ghost in the Grape... Cartoon idea set in the 20s: Nick Carraway is a seed;... I'm loving my new screaming desk. I see you faving it feels nice i actually threw that phone out the window Internet tip: If you have to ask “is it too much to ask”... ascii pr0n for me for example the top-earning affiliate once won a David Lee... did your copy of THE CDNOW STORY come? I just started to... it's cool i kind of like it hurt my leg, headed to the doctor hi At Slate TV Club @stevensonseth closes out the week asking:... “Matthew Weiner has often confessed that he plans this show... “He is two bare feet away from becoming a slightly more... "Fragments of Time" by Daft Punk is a great Steely Dan song. many. Lots of hacky things have been creeping in. Need to... One of the reasons I've been writing so much lately is to... weirdly-- inverse correlation! I just have the ability to... I have a ton of work tonight but all I really want to do is... Usually I don't do either. Most of the time when I get upset about something the... I was thinking. What we could call the Internet of... In the spring of 1918 my wife got a fever and three days... “With the enlargement of a writer's fame comes the... “It's the Internet of preservationists and digital... No one will publish this 3,000-word essay I wrote about... Aaaaaaaaaaaand here are my thoughts on Mad Men for Slate,... goddammit All Day Pajama Enthusiast is the best blog name... no it's just why we can't look away because it will only happen once Millennials think they INVENTED narcissism when everyone... I just reread it this weekend and agree. ponda well goddammit http://i524.photobucket.com/albums/cc322/mamahot_2008/01e429... Here's something I wrote on how BING CROSBY used NAZI... “More married women join http://AshleyMadison.com following... a vacation but from myself i am working through “curiosity bowl” oh god this geography game http://www.geoguessr.com?v=eyJ0b3... Infomercial: A 40-year-old man sticks a pencil in a Sebadoh... I want people to make choices with their hatred. I'm working on some writing that just about everyone will... Also: Mom in a hijab came up to gathering of young men and... On Coney Island Avenue looking out the window is a good way... People waving flags. One guy had PTI painted on the back of... Ditmas just went bananas over elections in Pakistan,... I just told my wife I loved and appreciated her. She... worse I remember liking it while being really excited about... oh my god yes millennial cats sleep all day “But many Turks still balk at the prospect of surgery to... rain settled down a lot @rustyk5 “The woman at the desk didn’t take kindly to the tapping:... too late i egifted him a susan kare panda doll on facebook... who's going to that thing tonight that guy's gonna be okay Some Mad Men hierarchies in Slate:... “Faraway is, in many respects, a perfect commuter game.”... Google+ is sort of the global intranet. “The time bomb in my head” by @MadMelvina... there's that. i'm really puzzled in general here. i can't read it, i don't understand “You have delighted us long enough. Let the other young... “Don’t worry, I’m bringing my iPhone with me.”... “The only people who are resistant are the writers: ‘I’m... http://www.onegrosspit.com/topics/worth-it I'm trying to source a Hitchcock quote. "The public likes... or a simile, I guess, since contracting is /like/ a... sometimes a metaphor just gets away from you you know “Really, can you put a price on humility?” Would be an... This NYT article about the $43k/yr Avenues school convinced... “Privileged parents want to control everything in their... My answer to should we arm our very small children is... “Two other men told a newspaper reporter, ‘If you had any... And now I await @HannaRosin and @stevensonseth responses.... Heyyyyy good morning would you like my thoughts on Mad Men... shani stop flirting One thing about Scatman John is that he really tried to... here is one of the songs i discussed on soundcheck today... If you haven't heard enough of my voice, here I am on... It's a lot shorter now it's just a picture of a cop... I didn't edit it so much as social media edit it. Here is a link to the complete broadcast day from 1939... I'm on a poddddcasssstt with @zeldman guys guys... good standup guys see you tomorrow After many years of marriage my wife just blurted out that... This tweet goes out to all the ladies on the BM2 bus just... I wrote that last tweet because I want everyone to know its... I've been thinking strategically all day and boy we should... If something is going to go out to all the ladies chances... Actually I do have an opinion. I like things that go out to... I don't have any opinions on anything. Guys it's just the nicest day outside. easily remedied hug%20your%20kids.ani seriously she nearly got me beat up yesterday Can someone assign a "know your Carrs" piece so I can keep... I'm only going to tweet using Bookworm Adventures words... my #1 productivity tip is to batch your hating into... National Organization for Marriage I am in you. I don't like when people go places and tweet "I am in you."... Working in an office with my wife this morning. Shit got... i was at hate 3,000 but then i installed hatestrom it helps... imagine hating just one or two people at a time and not... How do they know when to be angry? Today, as an exercise, I'm going to imagine what it's like... “Upstairs, workers earned as little as $40 a month making... Perhaps I need a new approach to kickers. That wasn't even the "perhaps" kicker I was talking about. Complete with a "perhaps" kicker. Something I wrote about hardware emulation for Hemispheres,... [Oslo prefers to import English garbage over Italian... Man musicians make you feel for the major labels sometimes. “Because in my view, in this business which is totally...