Canon of Classifieds

Author ISO meaning; will travel.

Men Seeking Women

Strapping Lord ISO unattractive, determined woman for governess position and unrequited pining. Must be able to ignore noise from attic and communicate psychically. ROCHESTER 21-2.

Been here before? Me too. Let's recur eternally. FRIEDRICH 74-5.

Me: eggs, eyes, urine, necrophilia. You: eggs, eyes, urine, necrophilia. MARCELLE 03-9.

IT'S A RED LETTER DAY when you and I get it on. Spiritual seeker ISO something on the sly. SALEM 46-4.

BE MY SILVER BULLET. Eastern European widower of means seeks young lady with 13th-century tendencies. "B positive" my motto. It would Mina lot to me. VLAD 91-9.

Women Seeking Men

You: handsome, impetuous, sold me for 5 guineas. Me: need financial security. Also, meet your "daughter." Write Box 34, Casterbridge.

Attractive, smart, genealogically-minded maiden looking for love in high places. Enjoy long walks in the woods after country fairs. TESS 67-9.

Ready for a father's day you won't forget? You know where to find me. ANAIS.

Men Seeking Men

Dublin, June 16 - You: pudgy middle-aged man on Grafton St., hat. Jewish? Hope so. Me: poet, Catholic, but only by birth. Let's reinvent prose. Write STEPHEN c/o this periodical.

Men Seeking Sea Mammals

CHUBBY CHASER! You: big white cetacean. Me: want my leg back. Just wait 'til I find you. AHAB 04-9.

Real Estate

ROOM WANTED by woman writer. Lock required. BLOOMSBURY 12-8.

Goods and Services

LIGHT YOUR HOUSE WITH TYGERS. Cheap, efficient, bright-burning, runs on meat. Symmetric design matches all interiors. Blake Illuminations Ltd. London 1818-934-348.

NEED FLEECE. Will pick up. Gold best. JASON 33-2.

RETURN MY NOSE. Normal-sized. Reward. URGENT. KOVALYOV 19-4.

LICENSED TOURS. 1-day Purgatory special, hop-on-hop-off Hell and Heaven double-deckers. Families, church groups. Page VIRGIL 917-463-3766.

RAVEN, quoths, $10 o/b/o. Great pet. 212-488-9599.

RED WHEELBARROW. $30 firm. Very dependable. Also some chickens. Dr. Williams 201-393-4940.


PARTNERSHIP? Farm work, odd jobs. You're strong, slow-witted, and love to pet the little mouses. GEORGE 13-3.

SALESMEN WANTED! Huge earning potential. Family man preferred. NY/New England. Commission only, provide own car. Wagner Company 212-590-3393.

CONCH BLOWERS - new reality TV program seeks children 8-13 for island adventure. Piggy 212-330-3039.

SCRIVENER NEEDED. Hard workers only. Apply in person 8-4, 14 Wall St. Would prefer not to receive phone calls.

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See also: Personal Ads: Flatulent British Gnome, Toothless, Not Seeking Romantic Sunsets




Ftrain.com is the website of Paul Ford and his pseudonyms. It is showing its age. I'm rewriting the code but it's taking some time.


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About the author: I've been running this website from 1997. For a living I write stories and essays, program computers, edit things, and help people launch online publications. (LinkedIn). I wrote a novel. I was an editor at Harper's Magazine for five years; then I was a Contributing Editor; now I am a free agent. I was also on NPR's All Things Considered for a while. I still write for The Morning News, and some other places.

If you have any questions for me, I am very accessible by email. You can email me at ford@ftrain.com and ask me things and I will try to answer. Especially if you want to clarify something or write something critical. I am glad to clarify things so that you can disagree more effectively.


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© 1974-2011 Paul Ford


@20, by Paul Ford. Not any kind of eulogy, thanks. And no header image, either. (October 15)

Recent Offsite Work: Code and Prose. As a hobby I write. (January 14)

Rotary Dial. (August 21)

10 Timeframes. (June 20)

Facebook and Instagram: When Your Favorite App Sells Out. (April 10)

Why I Am Leaving the People of the Red Valley. (April 7)

Welcome to the Company. (September 21)

“Facebook and the Epiphanator: An End to Endings?”. Forgot to tell you about this. (July 20)

“The Age of Mechanical Reproduction”. An essay for TheMorningNews.org. (July 11)

Woods+. People call me a lot and say: What is this new thing? You're a nerd. Explain it immediately. (July 10)

Reading Tonight. Reading! (May 25)

Recorded Entertainment #2, by Paul Ford. (May 18)

Recorded Entertainment #1, by Paul Ford. (May 17)

Nanolaw with Daughter. Why privacy mattered. (May 16)

0h30m w/Photoshop, by Paul Ford. It's immediately clear to me now that I'm writing again that I need to come up with some new forms in order to have fun here—so that I can get a rhythm and know what I'm doing. One thing that works for me are time limits; pencils up, pencils down. So: Fridays, write for 30 minutes; edit for 20 minutes max; and go whip up some images if necessary, like the big crappy hand below that's all meaningful and evocative because it's retro and zoomed-in. Post it, and leave it alone. Can I do that every Friday? Yes! Will I? Maybe! But I crave that simple continuity. For today, for absolutely no reason other than that it came unbidden into my brain, the subject will be Photoshop. (Do we have a process? We have a process. It is 11:39 and...) (May 13)

That Shaggy Feeling. Soon, orphans. (May 12)

Antilunchism, by Paul Ford. Snack trams. (May 11)

Tickler File Forever, by Paul Ford. I'll have no one to blame but future me. (May 10)

Time's Inverted Index, by Paul Ford. (1) When robots write history we can get in trouble with our past selves. (2) Search-generated, "false" chrestomathies and the historical fallacy. (May 9)

Bantha Tracks. (May 5)

Tables of Contents