Canon of Classifieds
Men Seeking Women
Strapping Lord ISO unattractive, determined woman for governess position and unrequited pining. Must be able to ignore noise from attic and communicate psychically. ROCHESTER 21-2.
Been here before? Me too. Let’s recur eternally. FRIEDRICH 74-5.
Me: eggs, eyes, urine, necrophilia. You: eggs, eyes, urine, necrophilia. MARCELLE 03-9.
IT’S A RED LETTER DAY when you and I get it on. Spiritual seeker ISO something on the sly. SALEM 46-4.
BE MY SILVER BULLET. Eastern European widower of means seeks young lady with 13th-century tendencies. “B positive” my motto. It would Mina lot to me. VLAD 91-9.
Women Seeking Men
You: handsome, impetuous, sold me for 5 guineas. Me: need financial security. Also, meet your “daughter.” Write Box 34, Casterbridge.
Attractive, smart, genealogically-minded maiden looking for love in high places. Enjoy long walks in the woods after country fairs. TESS 67-9.
Ready for a father’s day you won’t forget? You know where to find me. ANAIS.
Men Seeking Men
Dublin, June 16 - You: pudgy middle-aged man on Grafton St., hat. Jewish? Hope so. Me: poet, Catholic, but only by birth. Let’s reinvent prose. Write STEPHEN c/o this periodical.
Men Seeking Sea Mammals
CHUBBY CHASER! You: big white cetacean. Me: want my leg back. Just wait ‘til I find you. AHAB 04-9.
Real Estate
ROOM WANTED by woman writer. Lock required. BLOOMSBURY 12-8.
Goods and Services
LIGHT YOUR HOUSE WITH TYGERS. Cheap, efficient, bright-burning, runs on meat. Symmetric design matches all interiors. Blake Illuminations Ltd. London 1818-934-348.
NEED FLEECE. Will pick up. Gold best. JASON 33-2.
RETURN MY NOSE. Normal-sized. Reward. URGENT. KOVALYOV 19-4.
LICENSED TOURS. 1-day Purgatory special, hop-on-hop-off Hell and Heaven double-deckers. Families, church groups. Page VIRGIL 917-463-3766.
RAVEN, quoths, $10 o/b/o. Great pet. 212-488-9599.
RED WHEELBARROW. $30 firm. Very dependable. Also some chickens. Dr. Williams 201-393-4940.
Employment
PARTNERSHIP? Farm work, odd jobs. You’re strong, slow-witted, and love to pet the little mouses. GEORGE 13-3.
SALESMEN WANTED! Huge earning potential. Family man preferred. NY/New England. Commission only, provide own car. Wagner Company 212-590-3393.
CONCH BLOWERS - new reality TV program seeks children 8-13 for island adventure. Piggy 212-330-3039.
SCRIVENER NEEDED. Hard workers only. Apply in person 8-4, 14 Wall St. Would prefer not to receive phone calls.
See also: Personal Ads: Flatulent British Gnome, Toothless, Not Seeking Romantic Sunsets