07 Aug 98


Mixed-up Childhood

Darth: Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? I'm your daddy,. Say it! Say, "Darth, you my daddy!" You my bitch, Luke.

[Slices off Luke's hand.]

Ooooooh, oh shit, how's that feel? You need a little time off? I've FORGOTTEN more about the Force than you'll ever know. Jedi? Jedi? You meant to say puh-huh-say. I'll do you like I did Alderaan.

Confessional: Gym

I went to the gym at seven this morning, off Avenue A, and my friend wasn't there. I felt too scared to stay.

I enter a zone of terror and powerlessness near those machines. Mirrors and sweat. The body is a thing I leave behind.

Flesh, so much of it, pressing and pulling, and me with so much flesh. All my crafted jokes and insights sliced up and useless.

Why I want it? So that people want to fuck me. To please my Dad, who reminds me in subtle ways that my death is imminent, that my heart will burst from my corpulent torso and run away in disgust.

So I can be alone. Being alone when you're fat is cheating. I'll have twice as much power over others if I'm handsome and inacessible, remote, and cold.

Gym terror. I want to be healthy in secret, crawl into a cocoon and emerge shining.

I turned from the machines and walked over to work on 5th Ave. I changed my clothes in the back bathroom.

I would cut out this part of me and put it in a jar.

She Has a Really Great Sense of Humor Fitness Center.

Pretty Inside Gym.

Nice Eyes Gym.

It's Personality That Really Matters Health Club.

Pretty Inside Gym.

Nice Eyes Gym.

It's Personality That Really Matters Health Club.

I go after dogs like women in their early 30s go after babies.

I've been reading that fucking Heinovision and he gets in my head.




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About the author: I've been running this website from 1997. For a living I write stories and essays, program computers, edit things, and help people launch online publications. (LinkedIn). I wrote a novel. I was an editor at Harper's Magazine for five years; then I was a Contributing Editor; now I am a free agent. I was also on NPR's All Things Considered for a while. I still write for The Morning News, and some other places.

If you have any questions for me, I am very accessible by email. You can email me at ford@ftrain.com and ask me things and I will try to answer. Especially if you want to clarify something or write something critical. I am glad to clarify things so that you can disagree more effectively.


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© 1974-2011 Paul Ford


@20, by Paul Ford. Not any kind of eulogy, thanks. And no header image, either. (October 15)

Recent Offsite Work: Code and Prose. As a hobby I write. (January 14)

Rotary Dial. (August 21)

10 Timeframes. (June 20)

Facebook and Instagram: When Your Favorite App Sells Out. (April 10)

Why I Am Leaving the People of the Red Valley. (April 7)

Welcome to the Company. (September 21)

“Facebook and the Epiphanator: An End to Endings?”. Forgot to tell you about this. (July 20)

“The Age of Mechanical Reproduction”. An essay for TheMorningNews.org. (July 11)

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Reading Tonight. Reading! (May 25)

Recorded Entertainment #2, by Paul Ford. (May 18)

Recorded Entertainment #1, by Paul Ford. (May 17)

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