It makes sense to associate the word "launch," previously for boats and rocket ships, with the release of new websites. The word evokes the landing pad, crowds of onlookers, and the fact that the craft, from the moment the countdown ends, could suddenly explode, raining loose tiles and human remains over southern Florida. (Trivia: Cocoa Beach, Florida, insiders call an exploding shuttle a "NASA rainbow" and its residue "'nautchunks." [Not really.])

I just launched a new site for work. It took about eighteen months to get it into shape to put it into the world. I had help along the way--especially at the end, when I was able to hire a friend to help me with database work and my fiance to help me wrangle scans--and I re-used a lot of work other people had done. But basically the thing that made the project happen was me beavering away at a stack of books 100 feet tall, trying to turn them into files on a hard disk.

I have plenty to learn, I learned, but I'm a passable beaverer. Verbwise, I scanned, revised, converted, ocred, contracted, phoned, disputed, layered, sorted, aligned, tested, coded, indented, debugged, edited, blurred, sharpened, managed, advised, wept, styled, worried, refactored, and uploaded. Huge events: moving in with Mo, the death of a friend, professional failures, people drifting off to new states or countries--all happened within the boundaries of the task, with its ever-changing requirements and shimmering deadline, and I was bound to those old magazine pages like a 19th-century whaler was bound to the sea (sans hardtack). Finally on April 1 it was over.

I decided along the way that this project was a final hurrah of my geek self. The landmarks of the last year-and-a-half are impersonal, like resume lines: "arranged purchase of Fujitsu 5750c scanner; figured out page alignment strategy; built RDF-based CMS with smart caching." In the future (actually, the now) I'll go home nights, make schedules, and keep receipts. By September I'll be married, seeing movies, and remembering birthdays.

But back to April 1: To launch you flip a switch. One server goes down; another comes up, and the new thing is alive. (This time wasn't like the time in 1996, when I was 22 and erased 33,000 user accounts. I have grown.)

Brace yourself for the initial angry wave of criticism: how dare you, I hate it, it's ugly, you're stupid. The Internet runs on knee-jerk reactions. People will test your work against their pet theories: It is not free, and thus has no value; it lacks community features; I can't believe you don't use dotcaps, lampsheets, or pixel scrims; it is not written in Rusp or Erskell; my cat is displeased. The ultimate question lurks beneath these curses: why wasn't I consulted?

You take the criticism into consideration no matter how much vitriol wraps it, file away bug reports where appropriate, reply politely if it's worth it, and shrug. Then wait a few days. Now comes the more significant feedback--possibly praise, and, if you are lucky, not opinions but problems--things that you can think about and fix.

Some people are trusting and friendly; others swear and append "I AM VERY UNHAPPY" to their emails in misdirected righteousness. Again, you must shrug. People are used to complaining to faceless organizations that don't respect them, and often assume an offensive posture, expecting that a display of anger will gain your attention. They don't understand that you are the team in I. The only option is politeness--remember always that you are dealing with other primates.

You fix the first bugs, and then a few more bugs. There is still a ton of work to do, onward and ever, a billion scratches that must be buffed, but it doesn't need to be done at once. It's time for your victory lap. Instead, the fever to finish is sucked out of your gut and replaced with heavy stones. You can barely lift your legs. Expect a terrible depression.

I have now between five and ten newly empty hours a day, and the things I pushed away--seeing friends, writing fiction, eating off of plates--don't return naturally. The project is gone, taking with it the nearly monastic order it gave to life. In its place there is: one, the need for praise (even if they march you down the hall on their shoulders it will never fill up the well), two, the sense of failure (all those problems left unsolved, all the rough edges and clutter that you couldn't distill to simplicity), and three, the sudden awareness of insignificance (all you have done is to turn on another blinking screen among the blinking billions in the media night sky).

If you work for a startup you can fool yourself into believing that the reward will be eternal wealth, but I work for a nonprofit, and the reward is: I did a thing, and I doubt I'll ever do anything like it again. One, two, three: I will never get enough praise; of course I failed; and what I did was not particularly important. The best thing to hope for is that in time and with much more effort the work will become transparent to its users, that it will be taken for granted. That's life with websites.




Ftrain.com is the website of Paul Ford and his pseudonyms. It is showing its age. I'm rewriting the code but it's taking some time.


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About the author: I've been running this website from 1997. For a living I write stories and essays, program computers, edit things, and help people launch online publications. (LinkedIn). I wrote a novel. I was an editor at Harper's Magazine for five years; then I was a Contributing Editor; now I am a free agent. I was also on NPR's All Things Considered for a while. I still write for The Morning News, and some other places.

If you have any questions for me, I am very accessible by email. You can email me at ford@ftrain.com and ask me things and I will try to answer. Especially if you want to clarify something or write something critical. I am glad to clarify things so that you can disagree more effectively.


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© 1974-2011 Paul Ford


@20, by Paul Ford. Not any kind of eulogy, thanks. And no header image, either. (October 15)

Recent Offsite Work: Code and Prose. As a hobby I write. (January 14)

Rotary Dial. (August 21)

10 Timeframes. (June 20)

Facebook and Instagram: When Your Favorite App Sells Out. (April 10)

Why I Am Leaving the People of the Red Valley. (April 7)

Welcome to the Company. (September 21)

“Facebook and the Epiphanator: An End to Endings?”. Forgot to tell you about this. (July 20)

“The Age of Mechanical Reproduction”. An essay for TheMorningNews.org. (July 11)

Woods+. People call me a lot and say: What is this new thing? You're a nerd. Explain it immediately. (July 10)

Reading Tonight. Reading! (May 25)

Recorded Entertainment #2, by Paul Ford. (May 18)

Recorded Entertainment #1, by Paul Ford. (May 17)

Nanolaw with Daughter. Why privacy mattered. (May 16)

0h30m w/Photoshop, by Paul Ford. It's immediately clear to me now that I'm writing again that I need to come up with some new forms in order to have fun here—so that I can get a rhythm and know what I'm doing. One thing that works for me are time limits; pencils up, pencils down. So: Fridays, write for 30 minutes; edit for 20 minutes max; and go whip up some images if necessary, like the big crappy hand below that's all meaningful and evocative because it's retro and zoomed-in. Post it, and leave it alone. Can I do that every Friday? Yes! Will I? Maybe! But I crave that simple continuity. For today, for absolutely no reason other than that it came unbidden into my brain, the subject will be Photoshop. (Do we have a process? We have a process. It is 11:39 and...) (May 13)

That Shaggy Feeling. Soon, orphans. (May 12)

Antilunchism, by Paul Ford. Snack trams. (May 11)

Tickler File Forever, by Paul Ford. I'll have no one to blame but future me. (May 10)

Time's Inverted Index, by Paul Ford. (1) When robots write history we can get in trouble with our past selves. (2) Search-generated, "false" chrestomathies and the historical fallacy. (May 9)

Bantha Tracks. (May 5)

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