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Tuesday, April 1, 2003
By Paul Ford
Paul: What a mess.
Scott: If Vladimir Putin invaded the seaboard hoping to unseat the non-elected dictator George Bush, even though I hate our so-called president with a passion I usually reserve for conceptual artists working in vaseline, LED lights, and dead frogs - if Putin invaded, I would line up for my gun and helmet and head down to Washington on the Fung Wah bus to protect mother America.
Paul: I too would militarize my fat self to protect the land of Applebee's. But we are shocked and awed when Iraqis don't like a bunch of marines blowing up vans with their daughters inside.
Scott: It was more subtle than that, you typical knee-jerk scared little liberal. The marines also gave out candy.
Paul: “Here comes the van with some little girls in it. Let's give them some candy. Here, it's in my Military Phrasealater. `Candy taste good, here candy.' Just hit the buttons and it shouts in Arabic.”
Scott: Of course, you're an 19 year old from Bourbon, Kentucky, so you hit the “Take off your shirt and lie down on the ground with your legs spread!” button. But you don't know that and you can't understand what they say in return.
Paul: “No! They don't want candy! They kept driving!”
Scott: Only one choice left, soldier.
Paul: “God steady my hand as I do your duty.” Boom. I cry out! I fall to my knees! “Why do they hate us? They hate our freedom!”
Scott: It's because we have tamed the mighty dolphin. With even sea mammals on our side, it is obvious that we are God's army. They cower in fear that bottle-noses will come for them in the night.
Paul: But the Moroccans have offered 4000 monkeys to the Iraqis to clear land mines. Who will be the victors? And what is next? Chemical-weapons-enhanced Jack Russell Terriers? Nuclear whales? Napalm llamas? I was so glad when that dolphin went AWOL, before it came back. Because I imagined it hanging out with other dolphins, saying, “No Iraqi ever called me Flipper.” And I figured it had found its higher porpoise.
Scott: Paul, this is a time of national crisis. Show some respect.
The author is going to Cocoa Beach, Florida to visit with his father and brother (this is known as Operation Steel Manatee), and will be back next week, at which pt he will try to care about something enough to write Ftrain again.