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Thursday, July 26, 2001
By Paul Ford
American seeks floor and roof.
I will be in London from October 11 to October 17, and would like to find a place to stay in or near the city. I have never been before. This trip to the UK is not a hoax like the last one.
If you live around London, could you provide me with shelter for 1-3 nights? I'd like to spread my time among different people so as not to be a burden. Ideally, I could use an area of floor 3-4 feet (91-121 cm) wide and 7-8 feet (213-243 cm) long. A pillow and a sheet would be wonderful, but are not expected. The floor would preferably be ratless.
It can be dirty, messy, and crowded, and in an unsafe neighborhood. It can be one room shared by several souls. I'll use public transportation to get about, but I'm happy to walk 2 or 3 km to find a train or bus. I like walking.
It could also be a nice private room - I'm not committed to sleeping on a floor. But I assume that some people who read Ftrain live in crowded, inexpensive places, and I worry they might think, “it would be nice to meet him, but only I have one room, and the shower's down the hall.” Please - I am used to spare accommodations.
I am not looking to be a tourist, nor am I looking for a guide; I know you have a job, or classes to attend, and things to do with your time. I want more to wander the streets, eavesdrop, think, and talk, ask questions.
I'll be coming from Tel Aviv, and leaving for New York, between two mental spaces, with no real plans. I am looking to smell and hear, not just see. So I want to sniff the sea-tar-grime of the Thames, pick up the sounds of voices, feel jumbled cobblestones beneath my black leather shoes, observe the faces of dogs, run my fingers along walls, listen for the punchlines of the jokes.
(Here's my new favorite joke: How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate its tit a lot!)
As for the basics - I seem to be an okay person. I am fond of animals and nice to children. I am respectful towards all ladies. I am not as serious as my Web site. I help with the dishes and will undertake small carpentry jobs when directed. I have an uneven baritone voice, verging on bass. I will buy you drinks, pick up dinner, and be a good guest. We won't have enough contact to get too annoyed.
I don't need to be back in the States at any given time, so if you have any good projects or ideas towards which you'd like me to contribute, I can bump my flight around. My life is fairly formless; I can do some writing or Web thing, or build homes for the poor, or hitchike through the Hebrides.
Basically, I'll be there, and I'd like to be useful.
What would be best is if 6 or more different people wrote me, and I could stay in a different place each night, interviewing each stranger to fulfill my Studs Terkel fantasies. I could introduce each of them to one another over the week, building a temporary network which could cohere or fall apart depending on the desires of its members.
Of course they'd each have a place to stay, nasty and unprivate and odd as it may be, in my tiny apartment in Brooklyn, or wherever I end up.
Also, on rare occasions, I can drink a pint of Guinness in 3.7 seconds, and then repeat that several times. I'm told it's interesting to see.
Please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org with any ideas.