30 Jun 98

By Paul Ford

Knitodendron

Knitodendron

Each bachelor of the bio-genetic future will own a shirt tree. The seed packets will feature handsome men wearing bright-colored, fruity clothing.

The bachelor will plant the seed in loose soil and measure the sleeves each week. If he favors a loose fit, or his middle is padded, he waits an extra week. A complete shirt, with buttons and attached collar, takes four weeks to grow. A banker's shirt requires special nitrates and a blue lamp.

Sweat resistant, these shirts breathe, stripping the carbon atoms from CO2. The wearers smell fresh and woodsy. Everyone understands the risk of misengineering, and 60 Minutes Online features some badly squeezed men in a shocking demonstration of the "python pullover." But the plant is too cheap and the shirts to nicely wrought; sales do not turn slack. Rather, sales turns slacks, as pre-pressed slacks grow underground, like potatoes, with vinelike belts sprouting above.

Eventually, the necktie plant is introduced. A shoe tree. Underwear is grown from moss, worn once, and mulched. Socks are knitted by the thorns of roses. Men draw on the resources of the glove bush, and pull a tie pin--the stamen of a modified pansy--from its flower. Dressed impeccably, with natural grace, they wander the open streets, between the the irridescent hanging buildings, and raise their hats, the head-shaped leaves of a re-created birch, in greeting.