12 Mar 98

By Paul Ford

Reader Response

Many of my readers (I currently have 48,000 registered) have asked about my abduction stories. Some representative email:

I was abducted by wolves in third grade, and after several formative years as a carnivore, I returned to society. While I managed to live a regular human life, I still scratch my privates in public, and get the urge to don wool and betray my friends. But the point is, I survived.

You will live through this, Paul! Stay strong!

Yo Paul--

Shut up on E.T. You write for fucks sake like an immature asshole.

Dear Shitwad:

You were abducted like I was laid by Jackie O. Give in and call it off.

From the grave,

Tip O' Neill

From the grave,

Tip O' Neill

Dear Mr. Ford:

As a representative of the Schwa corporation, I must ask you to immediately terminate any and all references to extraterrestrials. "Extraterrestrials" and "Aliens" are both held in perpetual copyright by the trustees of Schwa Unlimited Corporate Holdings.