.

 

Pissing my Pants at Work

A sad, true tale of workplace shame.

I pissed my pants today. At work.

An agonizing accident. I was reading the Voice in the toilet and misaligned myself; long after I could prevent any damage I realized urine had sprayed from between the toilet and the seat, coming out between my knees and all over my jeans.

Saying "oh, God," over and over, I began to cry little gasping tears, kicking off my shoes and yanking my jeans into the air. Soaked. Jesus. All my co-workers were right outside the door, laughing, completing their assigned tasks while I sat shaking, soaked like a baby. I could run out to Central Park and dry out, but I had just returned from lunch. It would look bad.

Careful, forced-calm inspection showed the problem was topical; between the legs and below the belt above the ass the light blue jeans were the color of the Mighty Hudson. But, praise Jesus, I had kept away from broccoli or asparagus and the damage was offset by a very long shirt.

The choice pained me but, after I sniffed the jeans and reassured myself they did not smell noisomely of piss, I patted them with paper towels, and stretched my shirt behind me. As fast as I could smoothly move I left the bathroom and ran up the stairs, sitting tight in my chair, praying for low humidity.

I left early, mostly dry, darting out of the office like a salamander. On the way home I did post-piss checking; I'd sneak up to a woman on the crowded subway and stand in front of her. No noses crinkled, no eyes closed in a grimace. At home, safe, musty, filthy, feeling stupid and horrible, I ran into the shower, thanking God for a painless, shameless deliverance from possible deep humiliation.


[Top]

Ftrain.com

PEEK

Ftrain.com is the website of Paul Ford and his pseudonyms. It is showing its age. I'm rewriting the code but it's taking some time.

FACEBOOK

There is a Facebook group.

TWITTER

You will regret following me on Twitter here.

EMAIL

Enter your email address:

A TinyLetter Email Newsletter

About the author: I've been running this website from 1997. For a living I write stories and essays, program computers, edit things, and help people launch online publications. (LinkedIn). I wrote a novel. I was an editor at Harper's Magazine for five years; then I was a Contributing Editor; now I am a free agent. I was also on NPR's All Things Considered for a while. I still write for The Morning News, and some other places.

If you have any questions for me, I am very accessible by email. You can email me at ford@ftrain.com and ask me things and I will try to answer. Especially if you want to clarify something or write something critical. I am glad to clarify things so that you can disagree more effectively.

POKE


Syndicate: RSS1.0, RSS2.0
Links: RSS1.0, RSS2.0

Contact

© 1974-2011 Paul Ford

Recent

Recent Offsite Work: Code and Prose. As a hobby I write. (January 14)

Rotary Dial. (August 21)

10 Timeframes. (June 20)

Facebook and Instagram: When Your Favorite App Sells Out. (April 10)

Why I Am Leaving the People of the Red Valley. (April 7)

Welcome to the Company. (September 21)

“Facebook and the Epiphanator: An End to Endings?”. Forgot to tell you about this. (July 20)

“The Age of Mechanical Reproduction”. An essay for TheMorningNews.org. (July 11)

Woods+. People call me a lot and say: What is this new thing? You're a nerd. Explain it immediately. (July 10)

Reading Tonight. Reading! (May 25)

Recorded Entertainment #2, by Paul Ford. (May 18)

Recorded Entertainment #1, by Paul Ford. (May 17)

Nanolaw with Daughter. Why privacy mattered. (May 16)

0h30m w/Photoshop, by Paul Ford. It's immediately clear to me now that I'm writing again that I need to come up with some new forms in order to have fun here—so that I can get a rhythm and know what I'm doing. One thing that works for me are time limits; pencils up, pencils down. So: Fridays, write for 30 minutes; edit for 20 minutes max; and go whip up some images if necessary, like the big crappy hand below that's all meaningful and evocative because it's retro and zoomed-in. Post it, and leave it alone. Can I do that every Friday? Yes! Will I? Maybe! But I crave that simple continuity. For today, for absolutely no reason other than that it came unbidden into my brain, the subject will be Photoshop. (Do we have a process? We have a process. It is 11:39 and...) (May 13)

That Shaggy Feeling. Soon, orphans. (May 12)

Antilunchism, by Paul Ford. Snack trams. (May 11)

Tickler File Forever, by Paul Ford. I'll have no one to blame but future me. (May 10)

Time's Inverted Index, by Paul Ford. (1) When robots write history we can get in trouble with our past selves. (2) Search-generated, "false" chrestomathies and the historical fallacy. (May 9)

Bantha Tracks. (May 5)

The Moral Superiority of the Streetcar. (1) Long-form journalism fixes everything. (2) The moral superiority of the streetcar. (3) I like big bus and I cannot lie. (May 4)

More...
Tables of Contents