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Monday, May 10, 1999
By Paul Ford
People thought this was the dumbest thing I'd ever written, but I love it.
The latest thing in office humor, I've found, is Thnirt jokes. Sure, lots of cultural critics say that Thnirt jokes just mask racist aggression, but really, who cares about Thnirts, the world's forsaken creatures?
Here are some of my favorite Thnirt jokes:
A Thnirt, a Bear Wrangler, and a giant Marmot go to heaven and St. Peter says, "you can get into heaven if you answer one simple question." And the Wrangler, says, "me first, St. Peter." St. Peter asks, "who was the oldest man in the Bible?" And the Bear Wrangler says, "the Bible is a book of spiritually rationalized explanations of poorly interpreted historical events." So St. Peter lets him through. Then he asks the Marmot, "what is the most intimidating gesture a marmot can make?" And the Marmot gnashes its teeth, so St. Peter lets it through. And then the Thnirt comes up, and St. Peter asks, "I'm sorry, but heaven is no-Thnirts, so it's off to hell with you." And the Thnirt burnt forever in the fires of hell.
Q: How many Thnirts can you fit in a Plrrgh?
A: 13, 1 to put grapes on the heat pipe, and 12 to make Brgl pancakes.
Three Thnirts go on an airplane. One of the wings falls off, and there are just enough Snrts for two of them. So the oldest Thnirt says, "I need to use the Snrt, because I have a Fmlgblts." And the second oldest Thnirt says, "I am the second older Thnirt and I need to use the Snrt, too." But the littlest Thnirt said, "Mbrgglb, m'snb blbb," because someone had masking-taped his mouth, so he was left behind.
Q: What's the best use for a Thnirt in a whorehouse?
A: To smulch the big woithil.
A Thnirt with a college degree walks into a bar and asks for a beer, but the bartender ignores it. So the Thnirt keeps asking for a beer, but the bartender pretends not to see. Finally, the Thnirt gives the bartender an ultimatum. "Are you going to give me a beer or not?" And the bartender says, "we don't serve Thnirts in here," and a few men beat the crap out of the Thnirt until it's brain damaged to an IQ level of 45, and someone calls the ambulance. The hospital workers say, "goddamn stupid Thnirts," ignore that it's gone into shock, refuse it a blood transfusion, and it dies.
Thnirts! Finally, something even more fun to make fun of than Jews, Blacks, Blondes, Polacks, the Irish, Haitians, Scots, the French, Gays and Lesbians, Dwarves, Fat People, Aborigines, and the Handicapped.