His First Screen Appearance

By Paul Ford

He tinks, he winks

From the unpublished biography Life With Rabbits.

A locker room with a single bench. A poster of Uncle Sam on the wall. A handsome, well-proportioned man is sitting on the bench in army fatigues. The Drill Sergeant enters and barks, "you'd better get on your knees, Private."

The Private kneels and the Drill Sergeant unzips his pressed slacks, unfurling a large, uncircumcised penis. The camera zooms in on the private, who begins to stroke the engorging organ. The Sergeant says "That's right...do it...yes...come on...yeah."

After an interval, the Private opens his mouth, and as his lips touches the glans of the Sergeant, a loud "eh-oh" is heard off camera. The camera pans to the image of a door being torn off the hinges, and a large, babylike creature enters, carrying a red bag. Synthesized, bass-heavy music begins to play in the background. It is 1986, and Tinky Winky has arrived into the world of homosexual porn.

He is ten feet tall, with a large triangle on his head and a television in his stomach. He has a baby's face. With a smile, he bursts into song: "Pinkle winkle tinky winky, pinkle winkle tinky winky." He giggles, pushes the drill sergeant to the floor, and says "eh-oh" again.

From Tinky's groin appears a befurred penis the size of a tall man's arm. The triangle on his head unfurls obscenely into a single erect pole. The camera pulls back quickly. Tinky smiles down at the erection and pats his hand against his mouth in comic embarassment. Then he leans forward, and with a jerk, strips the pants off the drill sergeant.

Tinky Winky grabs the sergeant's shoulders, crouches behind him, and penetrates. The sergeant is in visible pain but makes sounds of false pleasure for the camera. Tinky continues to thrust furiously for several minutes, saying "eh-oh," many times. Finally, he says, "ooh," hopping slightly, and grunts. He removes his organ from the drill sergeant (who has tears in his eyes), and raises his right hand to his mouth in the same expression of comic embarassment, holding his genitals with his left.

"Eh-oh, Tinky Winky," he says, naming himself in third person to the camera. Huge sprays of "tubby custard" are released across the buttocks and back of the Sergeant, splashing onto the face of the Private with furious pressure. The camera pans out. From the hills of England, a star is born.